Monthly Archives: December 2020

Reflecting on my #oneword 2020 – Belonging

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Ilene’s #oneword 2020 poster showing the word Community and some app logos like Flipgrid, Buncee, Wakelet

When I chose my #oneword last January, I had no idea how the year would unfold. Now that I look back, I couldn’t have chosen a better word. 2020 has been all about belonging, self-belonging, personal, and professional belonging. It’s also been a word so many others have talked around and about this year. It’s the reason I started my podcast, Journeys to Belonging, and write my book. I started both in 2020.

My journey to belonging began before 2020 but has come into focus with all that’s happened this past year.

In January, my son announced he was getting married in March. For those who’ve been following my story, you already know it has a happy albeit unexpected ending. Plans were made to have their wedding in Kuwait which meant a two-week window of opportunity to schedule the religious ceremony and the men’s/women’s parties (yes, we have separate celebrations in Kuwait based on tradition). The dates were dictated by their Spring break from MBA studies in Pittsburgh. Both the bride’s family and ours began working on the details. Of course, flights were scheduled by my eldest son and daughter who are also living abroad. During the third week of February, my eldest, who lives in Thailand, called me and said he heard there was a possibility that passengers entering Kuwait from Thailand would be quarantined for two weeks (he was only able to stay for 5 days due to work obligations). I told him we still had time to find out more and to wait a few more days. Then my son, the groom called. He was worried about his older brother getting stuck in Kuwait and he and his fiancee were concerned they wouldn’t be able to return for their final semester which would jeopardize their graduation in May.

Self-belonging
Back to me…I love my children and miss them a lot because they’re so far away. I had a personal dilemma: choose my heart or my brain? I chose my brain which told me there was too much at risk for them to travel to Kuwait and have to stay in quarantine. In the meantime, we consulted with the bride’s parents and took a decision to cancel the wedding in Kuwait. Here’s where my self-belonging comes in. Ever since my children graduated from high school and moved away, I’ve struggled with feelings of loss, some form of grief at losing the most important part of me, my family. Some days it’s hard for me to get going because I miss them so much. But I knew this was the right decision and my self-confidence, self-worth, and patience took over. Head over heart! Then opportunities started to appear. My BFF in Kuwait suggested that I change my flight to the U.S. which was originally scheduled for March 14th (post-wedding) to an earlier date. “No need to stay in Kuwait any longer, and you can have a longer visit wiith your mother.” At first, I was reluctant but then I agreed with her. As hindsight is 20/20, I now realize if I’d kept my original flight reservation, I’d have been stuck in Kuwait; that’s the date they closed the airport to commercial traffic to keep the virus from entering with arriving passengers. It also meant my children would have all been stuck here until August 5th when Kuwait International Airport re-opened.

Lessons learned:

Give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel all the feelings, even if you’re sad, angry, or anxious.
Seek out others you know will listen and understand when you need to share how you’re feeling.
Try to find a bright side or a way forward that will make you feel better, more positive.
Open yourself up to opportunities that will help you refocus your energies towards your short term goals.

Personal belonging
I was able to spend two months with my mother (who still lives on her own in spite of being 96) in Buffalo, New York AND we were able to watch my son get married virtually. Of course, my husband watched from Kuwait, as did the bride’s family, and my children watched from Boston and Thailand. A bonus was having my brother join us from Atlanta, Georgia; online. It wasn’t ideal but we still celebrated the moment, as a family, together. Since I was only three hours by car from Pittsburgh, my son and daughter-in-law were able to visit before Buffalo went into its first lockdown. They only stayed for 36 hours, but we used it to the fullest. Once they’d left and we were confined to my mother’s house (she’s in the high-risk group) we began figuring out how to keep ourselves occupied. We bought an Instant Pot and I started cooking. My mother was always the cook when I visited, so it was nice to share the responsibility of making dinner with her. I helped her figure out how to get her groceries, clean the house, and make sure she didn’t get too bored. This was really important because I needed to return to Kuwait where my husband was by himself and quietly hoping I’d be able to spend the month of Ramadan with him. I’m grateful I feel a sense of belonging in both places I call home but it was still a difficult decision to make when the Kuwaiti Embassy called me and said I had a place on a special return flight leaving on April 24th. At that point, I knew my mother was prepared to manage on her own with help from neighbors and family nearby since we’d arranged everything while I was staying with her. I knew when I returned, I’d be in quarantine for 28 days, but it was important to be in my house in Yarmouk, Kuwait, and spend Ramadan at home with my husband.

Lessons learned:
Good things can come from bad situations if we keep our eyes and ears open to see them.
Reflecting on what happened in the past can help us see why we were set on a path that seemed to be the wrong one, but turned out to be okay (sometimes even better than we’d planned).

Professional belonging
My professional belonging has continued all year thanks to my amazing #PLNs and the internet. The people I’ve met through social media are my lifeline, especially this year. In addition, I started my podcast right before I traveled to the U.S. and continued to interview guests while I was in Buffalo. I had many stories for my blog, then decided to write a book about my journey to belonging, and what others can learn from my experiences. I was encouraged by many people to tell my story and especially by my soul sister, Barbara Bray. It’s been wonderful having conversations with her all year about how we can support other educators based on our experience and just be there when they needed someone to listen. Actually, it’s been wonderful having meaningful and heartfelt discussions with so many I’ve never met face to face. I never in my life thought I’d be so vulnerable with people I’ve never met, but, I’m sure you’ll agree, it seems like we’ve known each other for a very long time. I learned so much from my PLN members and hope I’ve given back even a small portion of that.

Lessons learned:

Build your PLN! Surround yourself with people who support other educators, share their experiences (good and bad), and from who you can learn.
Participate in Twitter chats, Facebook educator groups, and subscribe to youtube channels of those whose content you can learn from and interact with.
Listen to edupodcasts and other podcasts. There is so much wonderful content being created! Listen to one or two and see if they resonate with you. Some of my favorites are (but there are so many more):

Boosting Achievement with Carol Salva
EdSurge podcast
Education Today with Scott Nunes
Empowering LLs with Tan Huynh
Getting Smart with Tom Vander Ark
Good Ancestor podcast with Layla F. Saad
House of #EdTech with Dr. Chris Nesi
Journeys to Belonging with Dr. Ilene Winokur
Leader of Learning with Dr. Dan Kreiness
KQED Mindshift podcast
OnEducation
The Literacy Advocate podcast
Rethinking Learning podcast with Barbara Bray
Innovator’s Mindset with George Couros
An Unconventional Teacher with Jon Hinthorne
Throughline from NPR
Hidden Brain from NPR
The Daily
Leading Equity with Dr. Sheldon Eakins
And be sure to listen to https://voiced.ca for really excellent and quality content like:
The Staffroom Podcast with Pav Wander and Chey Cheney
Personal Playlist Podcast (P3) with Noa Daniel
EduCrush podcast with Natalie Vardabasso
I Wish I Knew EDU with Ramona Meharg
Hurley in the Morning with Stephen Hurley (live every weekday morning)

It’s been a tough year for all but especially for educators, parents, and students. We’ve picked each other up when we were down, calmed each other when we were anxious, and shared advice about how to keep moving forward. We’re a special community.

I was listening to The Daily podcast episode that features listeners and what good things happened to them in 2020. If you haven’t listened to it, I highly suggest it. Change your perspective and change your life.

For more information and resources about self-, personal, and professional belonging, check my website: https://journeys2belonging.webstarts.com

Othering and religious celebrations: My reflections

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Belonging and Othering

At this time of year, specifically Christmas and December, I begin to feel a real sense of ‘other’. Because I’m so active on social media now, I’ve begun to feel it even more intensely this year. So I’m doing some soul searching to find out why. And as I search, I’m seeing so many examples of those who don’t celebrate Christmas embrace the holiday’s colorful traditions. For example, a Sikh family dressed up in red and green Christmas PJs or the Kuwaiti/Muslim family with their Christmas tree. Am I the only one who feels like an outsider? Should I feel like an outsider? Why can’t I just join in the fun as many people do? So far, I don’t have a complete answer, but let me share how my feeling like ‘other’ began.

In the course of a lifetime, it is normal to feel different from others when we’re part of a group. I grew up in a Reform Jewish household where religion was more a guide than a dogma. We celebrated the major holidays, went to temple on the High Holidays of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, I learned at Hebrew school, was a bat mitzvah (age 13), and attended Confirmation (age 16). Growing up, there were very few Jewish students in my school. Our holidays were rarely mentioned in school assemblies like the Christmas concert which never included any Chanukah songs (there aren’t many, but they do exist). Sometimes there were gift exchanges and dress-up days, but no matter what the activity, it was always centered around Christmas. I sometimes felt like I knew more about other religions’ holidays than my own because I was surrounded by them and never heard people talk about mine unless I was at home. I think you can understand why it made me feel like I didn’t belong.

When I moved to Kuwait, I converted to Islam. It was my choice and I truly believe I made the right one for me. I live in a majority Muslim country, but that still doesn’t prevent me from being surrounded online with messages of Christmas. The point is that messages on social media and advertising continue to make me feel like the other even while I love celebrating their holiday.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Should I be/should I have been more outspoken about how I feel to let people know? Would it have made a difference? Maybe they wouldn’t have understood how I felt. Is this a good place to use my “I” messages? For instance, “When you only show Christmas cards, sing Christmas carols, create activities around Christmas for 25 days, I feel left out.” Or should I go with the flow and just include myself as one of the crowd and enjoy the activities, even create some of my own? I’m asking this genuinely because I’m confused. Brene Brown says fitting in isn’t true belonging because we give up our authentic selves if we assimilate but don’t feel it in our hearts.

It’s my December dilemma, but not only mine. I recently read an article by a mother who felt her son was assimilating to the point he didn’t feel identity to his religion anymore. I’ve had discussions with my daughter about how she will raise her children. She told me there isn’t a problem celebrating a variety of holidays at home, as some of her friends are doing. (Click here to find articles and resources about this topic) I still wonder if this is confusing or encourages respect and diversity.

As we begin to look at belonging and othering, we need to consider inclusivity. By focusing on only one religious holiday, are we considering how those who practice other religions feel? During the year, are we recognizing and learning about other holidays? It’s not enough to wish them a Happy “so and so” Day if we spend a month celebrating one religion’s holiday. Where is the equity? Where is the appreciation for diversity?

It’s hard to feel a sense of belonging if your holiday isn’t recognized the same as everyone else’s. How can we raise children in the Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist faiths when they don’t see their holidays celebrated or recognized? If they celebrate Christmas, will that confuse them?

So, as I continue to reflect on my feelings, I’d like to ask: Are we celebrating the majority at the expense of the few?

Note: (Othering and Belonging Insititute) define(s) “othering” as a set of dynamics, processes, and structures that engender marginality and persistent inequality across any of the full range of human differences based on group identities. Dimensions of othering include, but are not limited to, religion, sex, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status (class), disability, sexual orientation, and skin tone. (https://www.otheringandbelonging.org/the-problem-of-othering )