The Impact #oneword Can Have

Posted on March 26, 2024 by ilene56

Ilene’s #oneword 2020 poster shows the word Community and some app logos like Flipgrid, Buncee, Wakelet

Over the past few years, I’ve participated in the #oneword movement. Each year since 2019, I have chosen a word after reflecting on the past year and my year ahead. As the year passes, I refer to my word and check in about how it resonates with me and relates to events in my life. For me, it’s a better guide than a New Year resolution and continues reverberating years later. I intentionally chose each #oneword to ensure they connect from year to year, which means they can be an even more powerful guide to me.

Here are my #onewords in yearly order:

2020: Transition

2021: Belonging

2022: Journey

2023: Bittersweet

2024: Bridge

#oneword 2022, Journey

I will share an example of how these words can be a powerful guide.

Since the early 2000s, I have passionately supported educators and education leaders with training, coaching, and mentoring. My work included attending and presenting at local, regional, and international conferences and providing these services to local Kuwaiti private schools through a consultancy I established in 2012. I attended and presented at conferences such as ISTE, ASCD, TESOL International, TESOL Arabia, INACOL, and BettMENA on various topics. It was something that was a part of my soul. I continued to do it even after I retired from full-time work as an administrator in 2019. It was a way to stay connected with people during the pandemic and stay busy in my retirement. I never thought I’d set this work aside. Until…

In Spring 2022, my son and daughter-in-law announced they were expecting a baby that Fall. A week or so later, my daughter and son-in-law announced they were expecting twins a few weeks before them. I was elated! I’d waited years to become a Nana, and now I would be a Nana three times! How awesome is that? Then reality set in. Both couples lived in different states on the Eastern coast of the U.S. at the time. I consulted with them and decided to travel from Kuwait to be with my daughter since she was due before my daughter-in-law. I also knew she would need help with the twins. When my daughter-in-law’s mother left to return to Kuwait in November, I arranged to spend time helping her and my son.

Fast forward to September 10, 2023, and the unexpected early birth of the twins by C-section. I immediately bought an air ticket to travel at the earliest available date. The babies were premature at 28 weeks, so they were hospitalized in the NICU for a month. My daughter was recovering from pre-eclampsia and the surgery, so she stayed in the hospital for a week. That gave me time to finish what I needed to do in Kuwait, pack, and head West. So began a year-long balance of life in the U.S. and Kuwait. All thoughts about my professional life were put on the back burner as I put systems in place to support my daughter and son-in-law as they navigated parenthood with two preemies. As I told them when I arrived, my goal was to support, not take over. They were going through a significant transition, and I was staying in their home. Decisions about what, how, and when to do things would come from them. Only when I was asked for suggestions would I make any. On the rare occasion when I felt strongly about something, I asked if I could give advice based on my experience. They appreciated that my role was supportive so they could set up a new life situation that worked for them. As a result, my relationship with them deepened.

However, I had to cancel 2023 conference appearances at ISTE, EDIT Summit, TESOL, and a local TESOL conference that I had committed to doing. As the year went on, I struggled every time I received a call for proposals from an organization I belonged to until I finally unsubscribed from most of them. In 2022 and 2023, I was focused on self-care (I’m not as young as I was when I had my kids, so taking care of babies with lots of needs at all times of day and night took a toll on me after a couple of months) and focused on my family. I was honest with my children and their spouses about making sure my health stayed a priority so I could keep helping them. That meant staying in the U.S. for a couple of months, then returning to Kuwait, where my husband awaited my short visits. Then, flying back to the U.S. to help out again. I did that five times in the space of ten months. I am privileged because I retired and have the time and financial means to do that.

It might surprise you that even after all this time and my devotion to my children and grandchildren, I struggled with giving up my passion for training and supporting teachers to have more time to focus on my family, especially my grandchildren. I also wanted to be available for my mother (she’s 99, reasonably self-sufficient, but needs me now and then). There was no time to work on presentations or submissions, and I had to withdraw from the conferences I’d already committed to. I have organized events and conferences, which creates more work for the organizers if someone changes their mind. That impacted me emotionally.

Now, back to my #oneword series.

In 2019, I transitioned from full-time work as a very involved administrator who worked long hours to retirement. Transition was a perfect word for that year as I navigated my life without a daily schedule.

In 2020, my #oneword was belonging. I focused on freelance consulting and presenting wherever and whenever I could. It helped my transition to retirement and supported my sense of belonging.

In 2021, advocate (verb and noun) was my #oneword. The world was still in the midst of the pandemic, and politics was dealing heavy blows to DEIJB initiatives. I grew up believing in people and their humanity. It was time for me to speak out about issues and listen to understand why, after many years of effort by people and organizations to bring equity and social justice to every individual, we were failing.

In 2022, my #oneword was journey. All of life is a journey, and I began to feel the need to view life in transition and my search for belonging as a path on my journey.

Last year, my #oneword was bittersweet. I felt the bittersweetness of leaving my freelance work (the bitter) and looking for other paths, like writing children’s books and spending time with my family (the sweetness), which was connected with belonging. I allowed myself to be available when my family needed me.

This year, I reflected on the past few years and looked forward. I realized that the year would still be a bit bitter with some sweetness and that I could be the bridge if I fully accepted the changes in my life. I also consider myself a bridge between people and cultures; people who’ve met me have mentioned the same. The main character of my first picture book is Aziza. She is a bi-racial Arab American living in Kuwait and navigating a world where difference makes it difficult for her to be included by her peers. Although she is bilingual (Arabic/English), she has a detectable accent when she speaks Arabic, and her classmates notice it. She is also much shorter than her peers, which makes her look younger than her age. I hope Aziza’s story will create a bridge between the perceptions of differences of her classmates and create a sense of belonging and community through their shared life experiences.

As you can see, I remain true to my passion: supporting children’s sense of belonging. Only this time, through storytelling, teachers can read to their students and discuss topics like inclusion and diversity. I’m also planning to write books for older children steeped in the history and culture of the Arabian Gulf region to broaden the perspective of readers from around the world.

My #oneword continues to guide my life. It’s only March, and I already see how “bridge” impacts my thinking about a future without conferences and consulting but filled with writing and imagining. It also pushes me to reach out virtually to the many educators I will no longer see in person. I want to keep those connections alive.

Reflections on my #oneword2023 – Bittersweet

Posted on December 21, 2023 by ilene56

This year, as I delve into the complexities of my #oneword2023 – bittersweet, I find myself caught in a delicate dance between the joy encapsulated in my family’s moments and the bitter reality of our world. The contrast is stark, and as I witness the innocence of my grandchildren against the backdrop of global strife, the word ‘bittersweet’ takes on a profound meaning.

The bittersweet symphony of my personal life, documented in the laughter and growth of Luna, Nova, and Lulwa, seems almost surreal when juxtaposed with the harsh realities that plague our world. In a time where geopolitical tensions are palpable, with conflicts in Gaza, DR Congo, Sudan, and beyond, the sweetness of familial love becomes a refuge—a sanctuary against the bitter storms raging beyond our homes.

As I consider the videos and photographs that bring me immeasurable joy, a poignant question lingers: What kind of world are we shaping for future generations? The bittersweet undertones intensify as I contemplate the challenges and complexities that Luna, Nova, and Lulwa might confront as they navigate the intricacies of a world marred by conflicts and a seeming lack of humanity.

The contrast becomes even more pronounced as I reminisce about my professional life before their arrival. The decisions to step back, unsubscribe, and reassess my priorities carry the weight of sacrifice, yet in the same breath, I acknowledge the unparalleled joy that my family brings. It’s a bittersweet acknowledgment that life, in its multifaceted nature, demands trade-offs, and the path not taken is often paved with nostalgia and a tinge of regret.

In the professional realm, the bittersweet dance continues. Unsubscribing from familiar organizations symbolizes a shift, a departure from a familiar path. The prospect of missed opportunities and unmet virtual friends amplifies the bitter notes. However, in that moment of reflection, the realization strikes—these decisions are made not in isolation but against the backdrop of the best gifts in the world, my family.

The overarching question persists: How can I shield my loved ones from the harshness of a world seemingly devoid of compassion and empathy? Or, perhaps more importantly, How can I become an example for them to follow? The tragedies unfolding in various corners of the globe—the conflicts, the suffering, the disparities—cast a shadow that is hard to ignore. Yet, within this complexity, the bittersweet connection between personal joy and global anguish is not lost.

Perhaps, it is in acknowledging this duality that compassion for humanity blossoms. The bittersweet experiences of our personal lives can become a catalyst for fostering compassion and understanding of the collective human experience. The call for positive change echoes in this intersection of joy and sorrow.

As I navigate the interplay of sweet family moments and the bitter realities of the world, I am reminded that life, in all its bittersweet glory, is an ongoing journey. It is a journey where the compassion we cultivate within our families can extend beyond, influencing the broader narrative of humanity. In the face of adversity, it becomes imperative to turn bittersweetness into a force for positive change—one that shapes a world where future generations can inherit not only love but also a legacy of empathy and compassion.

**Call to Action: Cultivate Compassion and Act Locally**

In the tapestry of bittersweet reflections on my #oneword2023, I invite you to join me in transforming contemplation into action. The world may be rife with challenges, but within our spheres of influence, there are tangible steps we can take to create a ripple effect of positive change.

1. **Foster Compassion in Your Community:**
Share the bittersweet stories that shape your life. Engage in conversations that bridge the gaps between personal joy and global challenges. You contribute to a more empathetic and understanding community by fostering compassion in your immediate circles.

2. **Support Local Initiatives:**
While the global stage may seem overwhelming, focusing on local initiatives allows us to make a meaningful impact. Support organizations and projects in your community that work towards positive change in education, healthcare, or social justice.

3. **Stay Informed and Advocate for Change:**
Knowledge is a powerful tool. Stay informed about global events and issues. Advocate for change by raising awareness, participating in relevant discussions, and supporting organizations that align with your values.

4. **Embrace the Power of Connection:**
Leverage the digital age to connect with like-minded individuals globally. Join online communities that advocate for positive change and share resources, ideas, and experiences. The collective strength of a connected world can amplify our efforts.

5. **Inspire the Next Generation:**
Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or mentor, play a role in shaping the perspectives of the next generation. Instill values of empathy, compassion, and global awareness in young minds, ensuring they grow up with a sense of responsibility towards the world.

6. **Document Your Journey:**
Share your own bittersweet reflections. Whether through blogs, social media, or local gatherings, your personal experiences can inspire others to reflect on their lives and the impact they can have on the world around them.

In the midst of life’s bittersweet moments, let us find strength in our shared humanity. By taking small, intentional steps, we can contribute to a world that balances the scales toward compassion and understanding. The journey towards positive change begins with us, in our homes, communities, and the stories we tell. Together, let’s turn the bittersweet symphony of our lives into a harmonious melody of hope and action.

In Search of Safety and Belonging: Navigating Our Global Crises

Posted on December 4, 2023 by ilene56

Today, my heart is aching. It’s aching for all the lives lost so far in multiple places around the world. It’s also angry. How can this be happening? I ask myself. How can people around the world watch as a whole population is forced to flee their homes, their birthplace, where they feel they belong?

In the world’s vast expanse, countless individuals are bound by a common thread — the pursuit of safety and belonging amidst an era riddled with conflict and environmental turmoil. The contrasting images of people displaced and those trapped by barbed wire fences resonating across our screens and newspapers are a piercing illustration of this pursuit, capturing the urgency of a planet in distress beyond borders and seas.

War and strife rip through nations, leaving deep scars of trauma in their wake. Governments are intent on taking control of natural resources, interfering in sovereign affairs, and causing families to run for their lives. Thousands in the streets of every major city scream for justice, peace, and what is right. They are powerless to stop the conflicts.

Climate calamities strike with indiscriminate might, an invisible enemy that shifts the ground beneath and redraws the coastlines without regard. For those already cornered by conflict, the rising sea levels and environmental degradation due to greenhouse gas emissions pose existential threats, magnifying the hardships. Their struggle is emblematic of the double jeopardy facing vulnerable populations worldwide – caught between geopolitical strife and the ruthless, creeping tides of global warming.

Children, amidst this chaos, find their futures in jeopardy. What is our future if our children suffer because our decisions have increased the likelihood of disease, destruction, and desolation? Their potential is at risk as they navigate an uncertain future and an unhealthy environment. Once vibrant and unbounded, their dreams are confronted by the grim predictions of a world in flux, challenging their potential and tomorrows.

Sharing these feelings isn’t merely a foray into empathy; it’s a call to action. Within every child uprooted by conflict or climate disaster, there is a lost opportunity for progress toward peace and a better world for all. They will carry this with them throughout their lives. Children who are watching; children who are experiencing. Our collective future depends on how we resolve conflicts or address climate change and how we uphold the human rights of the most vulnerable, our children. In embracing this common cause of humanity, we can find true safety and a sense of belonging for all.

Reading Culture or Reading Program?

Posted on February 15, 2022 by ilene56

Young children listen to the teacher as she read a book aloud. Photo credit: Yan Krukov

Staffroom podcast episode 105: Setting Up a Culture of Reading

Last week, I listened to the latest Staffroom Podcast episode with Chey Cheyney and Pav Wander. Their posts on Twitter about the episode immediately caught my attention because of my experience in Kuwait teaching English language learners. I have strong opinions about how children learn how to read based on my teaching experience with third-grade English learners. When I began teaching, I needed to know more about teaching English language learners, so I read the current research. I also know what worked and didn’t work for my own children and for me when I was learning to read.

As I listened to Chey and Pav’s lively discussion that included topics such as a culture of reading or a reading program, a balanced literacy approach, and the science of reading, I remembered something that happened to my son. Chey mentioned whether being astutely proficient or having been taught all of the reading skills was necessary for every student. That is, do we have to know every reading skill to read at a proficient level? And where does a love of reading fit in? Pav responded that reading doesn’t come naturally according to the research. This topic resonated with me deeply and I have a personal story about my son’s experience in middle school. I will share his story and then some of the most recent science about learning how to read.

7th grade

By the time my son started 7th grade, he was a prolific reader. The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, any new book by Brian Jacques; all of them over 300 pages. Although his father’s first language is Arabic and we live in Kuwait, my son has always been more fluent in English and speaks, writes, and reads like a native speaker. Or, so I thought until he came home in November of that year with a “D” on his most recent essay. My philosophy about supporting my children with their homework was hands-off once they were in middle school and could ask me for help if they needed it, so this was the first time I’d seen his essay. It was also the first time he’d received such a poor grade on any of his school work. Once I read through his essay, I knew what the problem was. He had only a superficial understanding of the book he had read. This was definitely a revelation for me. I had always assumed that my son understood at a high level of comprehension and now I found out he didn’t.

I sat down to discuss the problem with my son and we looked at a few passages from the book. I asked him some deeper questions about the characters and plot which he struggled to answer! I told him I wanted to call his school and meet with his teacher. My son agreed that it was a good idea. When I sat down with his English teacher, she told me that my son was a very good student overall. I asked her how a native speaker like my son could reach 7th grade with such a poor level of comprehension. She told me that the majority of the students in his grade level were weak in their English skills and she was teaching to the majority of the class. She blamed it on the lack of English language support staff in the middle school. Of course, that was not the answer I wanted to hear, nor was it acceptable as far as I was concerned. I arranged a meeting with the middle school principal and he repeated what the teacher had told me. I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere with the school and realized I needed to get involved with my son’s schoolwork, especially in the area of reading comprehension. His level of vocabulary was way above his classmates, but he was only reading superficially.

From that time, and until he entered high school, I would ask him questions about what he was reading in various subjects. We started with the basics such as plot, characters, and themes. In subjects other than English, he used his prior knowledge to inform, analyze, and synthesize his new learning. If he was interested in discussing his pleasure reading with me, I was happy to chat with him about it; however, I didn’t want to make it seem like another task. If you’re familiar with Bloom’s taxonomy, you will recognize how I prompted my son to think at higher cognitive levels than understanding which is one of the lowest forms of cognition. My son’s responses to my questions over time showed me that his reading comprehension had improved by leaps and bounds. In fact, his verbal scores on the SAT were in one of the highest percentiles. He is now in his early 30s and working in a job that requires him to think strategically and creatively. His love of reading has not abated and you rarely see him without his Kindle.

Mother reading and showing a book to her baby daughter. Photo credit: William Fortunato

Explicit instruction, pleasure reading, and creating a culture of reading

Reading instruction that is developmentally appropriate has been studied for many years. However, it is only recently that we have the fMRI technology of brain scans to understand how the brain learns to read. Speaking comes naturally to us, but reading must be taught. How it is taught is very important. According to research cited in a 2019 article in Education Week, “Decades of research have shown that explicit phonics instruction benefits early readers, but particularly those who struggle to read.” It goes on to say that children who are not explicitly taught sound/letter recognition (in an alphabetically-based language like English or Spanish), will struggle with comprehension later on due to the lack of automaticity in decoding text. This is something that I learned in relation to struggling English language learners in Kuwait and is supported by the research. The slower you read and the longer it takes you to decode a sentence, the more likely you are to struggle with comprehension of what you read.

However, not all phonics instruction is equally successful. It must be systematic, according to the National Reading Panel (2000), and supported by other research reviews:

A systematic phonics program teaches an ordered progression of letter-sound correspondences. Teachers don’t only address the letter-sound connections that students stumble over. Instead, they address all of the combinations methodically, in a sequence, moving on to the next once students demonstrate mastery. Teachers explicitly tell students what sounds correspond to what letter patterns, rather than asking students to figure it out on their own or make guesses.

An experiment by a neuroscientist at Stanford (2015) with a made-up language supports the systematic approach of teaching phonics rather than expecting students to guess at the words after being instructed using sight words. English learners and students with disabilities benefit from systematic phonics instruction at the kindergarten and grade 1 levels. The association between phonics instruction and reading comprehension is clear.

In terms of balanced literacy which was another topic mentioned by Chey and Pav during the episode, the research has shown that using context clues or other cues to decode a word slows the reader down. I’m not sure this is totally the case since there are times when students, especially language learners, need extra help from the text to determine meaning, thus supporting their comprehension. It’s also another way for them to engage with the text because they have to focus all the time on what they’re reading.

The Education Week article (2019) relies heavily on the National Reading Panel Executive Summary (2000) that underlines the importance of teaching phonemes and graphemes (systematic phonics) in grade 1 and other reading skills that support automaticity of decoding and comprehension. For more detail, a link to the article is in the references below. However, Bowers (2020) has done a meta-analysis of numerous studies over a period of 20 years that showed studies noted, “Nevertheless, despite this strong consensus, I will show that there is little or no evidence that systematic phonics is better than the main alternative methods used in schools, including whole language and balanced literacy”. Hence, something known as the “reading wars”.

In support of systematic phonics instruction, one meta-analysis of reading intervention studies finds that phonics-focused interventions were most effective through grade 1; in older grades—when most students will have mastered phonics—interventions that targeted comprehension or a mix of reading skills showed bigger effects on students’ reading skills. (Suggate, 2010) Another study, however, has looked at the three main approaches to teaching reading: systematics phonics instruction, whole language, and balanced literacy which is a combination of whole language and non-systematic phonics instruction, and Bowers (2020) concluded it “should not be that we should be satisfied with either systematic phonics or whole language, but rather teachers and researchers should consider alternative methods of reading instruction”.

All in all, the science of reading supports the need for explicit instruction at an early age at the appropriate stage of development. My experience, although non-scientific, supports a combination of systematic instruction along with reading for meaning within the context and using how words are formed. So for early years including preschool and kindergarten, “the National Early Literacy Panel found that both reading books to young children and engaging in activities aimed at improving their language development improved their oral language skills (2008).”

Spoken language is also important in the very early years and research shows that the more vocabulary young children are exposed to and the more able they are to communicate verbally, the better they are at reading and comprehending. When books are read aloud or print is pointed out to them (such as signage, labels, etc.), they begin to associate sounds with letters and how the printed word works. They also begin to learn about books and print which increases their ability to learn grammar and syntax faster as they develop more skills in higher grades.

The weekly Staffroom episodes discuss a variety of topics and always challenge my thinking. I really appreciate and enjoy the interaction by Chey and Pav during the show and the conversations on social media by other educators who are listening.

Link to the show: https://www.cheyandpav.com

Link to Episode 105: https://www.cheyandpav.com and at https://voiced.ca/podcast_episode_post/203-chey-pav-and-the-staffroom-podcast

References

Bowers, J.S. (8 January 2020). Reconsidering the evidence that systematic phonics is more effective than alternative methods of reading instruction. Educational Psychology Review. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10648-019-09515-y

Early Literacy Panel. (2008). Developing early literacy: Report of the national early literacy panel. https://lincs.ed.gov/publications/pdf/NELPReport09.pdf

National Reading Panel. (2000). Teaching children to read: An evidence-based assessment of the scientific research literature on reading and its implications for reading instruction [Executive summary]

Schwartz, S. & Sparks, S.D. (2019). How do kids learn to read: What the science says. Education Week.https://www.edweek.org/teaching-learning/how-do-kids-learn-to-read-what-the-scence-says/2019/10

Suggate, S. P. (2010). Why what we teach depends on when: grade and reading intervention modality moderate effect size. Developmental Psychology. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20873927

Youncheva, Y., Wise, J. & McCandliss, B. (16 May 2015). Hemispheric specialization for visual words Is shaped by attention to sublexical units during initial learning. Brain Language.

For an interesting opinion piece on the science of reading and so-called reading wars: https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2021/01/26/readingwars-scienceofreading-teaching

Is the Sky Falling or Are We All in Fight, Flight, or Shutdown?

Posted on January 23, 2022 by ilene56

It surprises me a lot that we aren’t talking about the trauma we’re all suffering right now. Yes. This pandemic is traumatic and the effects of it will live on for a while. If we don’t start looking at it that way, we’re doomed to continue suffering from mental health issues including anxiety, depression, short tempers, and basically, a lack of ability to cope with daily life.

If you think about it, many of us were already in crisis mode before the pandemic hit. We worried about who was running our governments and were frustrated with the state of education in light of the inequities in the system. Place a long period of pandemic, uncertainty, divisiveness and you have full-blown trauma. How people deal with it from day to day depends on their level of self-belonging. I’m not a psychologist or specialist in the science of the brain and body, but I’ve spent the past two years studying, reading, and internalizing the science. I’ve also learned about different views of home and belonging; different perspectives about life and how we live it. And I’ve also been reflecting on what has worked for me since I suffered from depression and anxiety for many, many years.

First, I’m going to share a personal story with you about a traumatic experience I had and how I was able to cope, and then I will share some practical advice about how you can come to terms with what’s going on and move forward.

In 2014, I was hired as director of a foundation-level program at a private university in Kuwait. I replaced the outgoing director whose style was autocratic and included favoritism towards some staff she believed to be loyal to her and a lot of control and surveillance of everyone else. The curriculum she implemented did not suit the needs of our students and for that reason, I was tasked by the board of trustees to overhaul the climate in the department and revise the curriculum.

I think you can already see the obstacles I was facing when I entered my office on the first day. Although I had worked with many of the staff members as a fellow instructor for five semesters, there was distrust by those who had aligned with the previous director about the changes they assumed I was going to make. I am a democratic type of leader and ask for input from all of my staff, instructors, and teaching assistants because they’re the ones “in the trenches” so to speak. They know what is needed to ensure the students acquire the necessary skills and knowledge to begin the undergraduate program. I also had taught the curriculum and commented many times that it was not aligned with what the students needed to fulfill the requirements of English and math competencies before starting their undergraduate courses.

A number of committees were formed with representation that involved every instructor and TA in the department. We reviewed the outcomes, assessment philosophy, and textbooks/resources. Then each committee presented their findings. Based on best practices and the most recent research in remedial math and intensive English, a plan was created to write and implement most of the recommendations along with a timeline that took into account a switch over from the previous curriculum and assessments that aligned. We even searched for a better admissions test for English so we had data that would be used to evaluate the changes and help us determine if the changes we made improved outcomes over time. Along the way, staff members came to me with concerns and I dealt with each one.

There was a bit of grumbling from some staff about having to make the changes which meant new lesson plans, learning additional methods to ensure students met the benchmarks we created, but we had the support of the upper management, so I was confident we were on the right track. In March 2016, I was traveling in the U.S. to visit family and attend several conferences. While I was sitting at a gate to board my flight, I checked my work email and found a strange message from an unknown email address. The subject line was Unresolved Complaints About Doctor Ilene and had been sent to the university President, the Vice President for Academic Affairs (my immediate supervisor), and my entire staff. I came to know later that the email address used was encrypted so it couldn’t be traced. The body of the email referred to numerous accusations of my lack of leadership, staff being forced to “work for me” and that I hadn’t listened to complaints about certain problems “many” instructors were having. There was a bit of sarcasm and I was embarrassed for whoever wrote it because it was so unprofessional and had been sent to the management.

Once I’d read through it a couple of times (in disbelief), I contacted the VP. He told me that he would try to find out who sent it and would send an email that would indicate his continued support of my efforts as director. He also said we would meet once I returned to work the following week. Long story short: the perpetrator(s) was never found because IT was unable to break the encryption. After a couple of months, I decided to take the situation into my own hands. I called a staff meeting and took attendance to ensure everyone was there. Then I presented my case, without referring to any specifics in the email since I didn’t want to show it had any importance to me. I spoke for a few minutes looking at each and every staff member as I said, “The train is on the tracks and is already moving forward. If you’re not happy about the journey and the destination, nobody is keeping you here. It’s almost the end of the year and you are free to leave if the direction we’re taking doesn’t suit you.” And then I finished up by saying, “I am now in my 60s and know myself very well. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I still need to work on.”

If I was sitting next to you right now, I bet I know what you’re thinking. ‘How did Ilene know how to handle that traumatic experience?’ If it had happened ten years before, I don’t think I would have been able to continue in my role as director knowing there were people who sought to undermine me and push me out of my job. However, I was in a different place in 2016 and my sense of self-belonging was and still is strong. I knew what I was tasked to do, and I was sure I had listened to every voice in the department before making joint decisions about changes. I also knew there were some who didn’t agree and would probably never agree, but they were the minority and had a choice about staying or leaving. When I stood up in front of the group, I knew what I had to do. I had to re-establish my “authority” for those who were on board with the changes but feared the others might diminish my ability to implement them.

Why am I telling this story? I need to emphasize how traumatic experiences like the one I experienced, can impact how we view our jobs and ourselves. The email I received was a culmination of numerous covert attacks on my leadership the first 18 months as director. I was able to overcome constant attacks on my position and the email that was deliberately encrypted and sent to upper management because I developed my sense of self-belonging. I knew my strengths and what I still needed to work on. I also had the support of my supervisor to make the necessary changes in spite of the pushback by a small group of staff members.

My message to educators and education leaders is: We need to have a strong sense of self-belonging and feel supported professionally. If not, we will succumb to the negativity, attacks on our self-esteem and self-confidence that make us feel we need to fight, flee, or shut down. That means the dark curtain will fall over us and color everything around us. That’s what is happening right now. I believe it’s a major reason so many educators are leaving the profession. It doesn’t have to be that way!

If you’re a school leader, support your staff in any way you can. If you’re a classroom teacher or support staff, make your voice heard. Share how you’re feeling.

Here are some of my suggestions for how to handle the current crisis:

Daily check-ins with staff to find out how they are feeling

Open your door to allow them to pass by and share their concerns, fears, and problems.

Listen for understanding and jointly come up with a plan to make things better.

Advocate for your staff and students with whoever is responsible for making those decisions.

Advocate for your own mental health and well-being.

Make your, your staff’s, and your students’ well-being a priority. The content will be taught and learned once they feel included, heard, and valued.

Reach out to the community including parents and let them know they’re important also.

Communicate regularly and encourage your staff to communicate with you and your parents often.

For more suggestions read this article from Edutopia.

You can read more about self-belonging and professional belonging in my book, Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being available in paperback and ebook.

Photo of Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being book cover

https://journeys2belonging.com/3C5Ojig

https://journeys2belonging.com/3kmuwUN

https://journeys2belonging.com/31eQF0s

My #oneword2022 – Journey

Posted on December 27, 2021 by ilene56

In the past few days, I’ve started to see people post their #oneword for 2022. I saw wonderful words popping up in my Twitter feed after my dear friend and soul sister, Barbara Bray posted hers along with a blog post to explain it. PURPOSE is her #oneword2022 and rightly so for her since she gives us all purpose by guiding us through these difficult times with her experience and wisdom. I also saw words like TRUTH, EVOLVE, REFLECTIVE, RESPONDABILITY, and more.

In 2019, my #oneword was Transitions. I retired mid-way through the year, my youngest got married and bought a house in the US. My younger son started his MBA in the US. My nest was totally empty.

In 2020, my #oneword was Belonging. I had started blogging about my experiences and life in Kuwait and discovered my sense of belonging. I started learning more about this human need and realized so much about my own identity and life.

In 2021, my #oneword was Advocate (noun and/or verb). With the #BlackLivesMatter movement raging and my experiences mentoring and supporting refugee teachers and students, I was aware of all my white privilege had afforded me and that my role needed to be one of advocacy and speaking out. Calling others in and using my listening for understanding to bring communities together.

My #oneword2022 is Journey

In 2022, my #oneword is JOURNEY. Along with my recently published book, Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being, and my podcast, Journeys to Belonging, I have discovered there are a variety of ways we can look at feeling a sense of belonging. I’ve also realized that we are all on a journey to find ourselves. Some are able to figure it out faster because, I believe, they either have a naturally reflective nature or they have a friend, relative, or partner that is supporting their journey. I’m blessed because my husband is my partner on this journey. He’s my friend and my cheerleader. Let me tell you that without his support, I’d still be unhappy and depressed. I would never have found my sense of belonging. I will also tell you that we’ve had our ups and downs over the past 37 years we’ve been married. There were times when I almost walked away from our relationship. We often misunderstood each other’s intentions and we were quick to perceive certain behaviors as confrontational. Then, after my children left Kuwait to find their opportunities and live their adult lives with their partners, my husband and I had to work out what our relationship was without the kids as our focus. It was a big transition and we weren’t communicating our needs or our feelings very well, so I sought help from a therapist and am grateful to her for the advice and counsel she gave me and my husband (who wasn’t so keen to see a therapist at first but was willing to join me to “help me”; now that’s true love).

In truth, all of my #onewords are still applicable for 2022, but I’ve chosen Journey because I feel that I’m now on this long and winding trail trying to find myself and my identity. I’m still searching for ways to spend my “golden” years post-retirement while continuing to learn, stretch myself, and challenge my perceptions about myself and others.

Journey also relates to traveling. I want to travel to places where I can visit friends and family I haven’t seen in many years. I hope the current pandemic will eventually subside and I’ll be able to visit Kakuma, Kenya to meet the amazing refugee leaders I’ve been supporting and mentoring for several years. I look forward to traveling with my husband who retired in 2006 and explore new places with him. I want to meet all the amazing educators I’ve met on social media but haven’t met in real life.

And finally, I want to share my journey with all of you, and I want to continue hearing your amazing stories of your journey to belonging. If you’d like to share your story on an upcoming podcast episode, fill in the form (https://forms.gle/kGu2jbUjXzQmagtx6) and I’ll contact you to schedule. I’ve learned so much from each of my guests.

I hope you’ll take this journey with me. It’s been tough for everyone and even tougher for some, but don’t lose faith. There are better days ahead and I’m here to guide you, act as your cheerleader, and share my knowledge and experience. Just reach out and I’ll be there for you.

You CAN go home again

Posted on July 24, 2021 by ilene56

I couldn’t wait to graduate from Kenmore West High School, so I took classes during summer school and had enough credits to graduate a year early in 1973. Most of my classmates graduated the following year. I never felt a sense of belonging while I was in school as a shy introvert. So you might be surprised if I told you that one of the highlights of my trips back to my hometown, Buffalo, New York is dinner with some of my former high school classmates. Let me explain…

About 17 years ago, one of my classmates, Helene Campton, returned for a visit and to attend our high school reunion. During her visit, two other classmates, Karen, and Pam went out for dinner with Helene and during their conversation, discussed the idea of a monthly dinner with friends from high school. They have been getting together almost every month since. Each month, except during the pandemic, Karen sends an email to everyone on the list, and those who are able to meet for dinner RSVP so she can reserve their seat at the table. The venue and date for the next meet-up are chosen at the end of the previous month’s gathering since they meet at a different restaurant each time. I think there are twenty names on the list but some have moved away and aren’t able to join each month. When they’re in town, Karen makes sure to arrange the date to suit the visiting alumni, including me. I think I’m the one who moved the farthest away, but we’re all able to keep in touch by email.

November 2019 KenWest meet-up

Every time I visit, I do my best to arrange my schedule to be sure it includes at least one Kenmore West High School meet up. I’m always greeted warmly by all the ladies and we go around the table catching up on everyone’s news. My post-pandemic visit was no different. I received the warmest reception and they truly made me feel like I’m an integral member of this empowered and empowering group of caring and kind women. As we now enter the “I’m retired and applying for Medicare” phase of our lives, conversations focus on planning for days without work obligations, grandchildren, and how great we look as we age (minus the occasional illness or body part pain).

They say, “Home is where the heart is,” and although I didn’t have that feeling when I was in high school, I can say it now. I am filled with gratitude and feel blessed to have lived and learned that life isn’t static. Just because we had a certain feeling or experience in the past, doesn’t mean we have to repeat it later on. It means that when we look for opportunities with eyes wide open and feel a sense of belonging, we can find friendships through relationships with people we knew in our past, people like my high school classmates who share their joyful moments along with the sad times; month to month and year to year.

Worldviews: How our perception of the world through our lived experiences influences our search for well-being

Posted on April 6, 2021 by ilene56

Summary of assumptions about Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and the reality

I have written several posts and an article about misunderstandings related to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs including the pyramid that he never sketched. I have also mentioned the influence of his research, those of his contemporaries, and the indigenous teachings of the Blackfoot Confederation after Maslow spent the summer of 1938 with them doing fieldwork on his work that contributed to him modifying it over the years. I am now in the midst of editing my upcoming book about belonging and after posting my last article about the topic, I received comments from distinguished educators Ken Shelton and Barbara Bray that pushed me to dig deeper into the influence the Blackfoot teachings had on Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. I’m putting my findings into an order that makes sense to me and hopefully, my readers while giving credit to the experts who have thoroughly researched Maslow’s published and unpublished writing with a particular focus on the Blackfoot teachings. Today’s post is only a portion of what I’ve pieced together based on my searches.

Abraham Maslow is considered the founder of humanistic psychology that focuses on the whole person and includes self-efficacy, maximizing our potential (self-actualization) that leads us to wellbeing. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology and comprises five tiers: the most basic human needs are physiological (food and clothing), then safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), self-esteem, and self-actualization. The needs are explained in more detail in this article.

Those who took a course in psychology have probably learned about Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but they might not be aware that Maslow did not visualize his theory of motivation as a pyramid. According to Scott Barry Kaufman, in his book, Transcend (2020), the pyramid and hierarchy of needs were created by a management consultant in the 1960s and became popular in organizational behavior courses at business schools. Since he didn’t create a pyramid, there is no basis to believe the Blackfoot tipi was turned upside down by Maslow.

Blackstock graphic of Maslow’s pyramid next to Blackfoot tipi

In a recent interview by Scott Barry Kaufman in the journal, Scientific American, Todd Bridgman, Stephen Cummings, and John Ballard answer questions about the article they published in 2019 in the Academy of Management titled, “Who Built Maslow’s Pyramid: A History of the Creation of Management Studies’ Most Famous Symbol and the Implications for Management Education”. After a thorough search of Maslow’s writings and how Maslow’s theory appears in management textbooks, Bridgman, Cummings, and Ballard came to the conclusion that several management textbook authors during the 1950s and 1960s were responsible for a simplified version of Maslow’s theory and the creation of a pyramid to explain his theory to management students.

The pyramid isn’t the only misunderstanding or simplification of Maslow’s hierarchy. It is generally thought that Maslow believed the needs were linear and each had to be fully met before people could move on to the next. However, according to Maslow, “The human needs are arranged in an integrated hierarchy rather than dichotomously, that is, they rest one upon another. . . . This means that the process of regression to lower needs remains always as a possibility…” (Kaufman, p. xxviii)

Another misunderstanding about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is how much influence his time with the Northern Blackfoot in Alberta, Canada had on his hierarchy. He spent the summer of 1938 with them as part of an anthropological study, and his field notes show his awareness of the differences between his upbringing and the one he observed. “Nearly all of the Blackfoot, he discovered, displayed a level of emotional security that only the upper percentiles of the U.S. population reached, and Maslow attributed this in large measure to the Indians’ emphasis on personal responsibility instilled from early childhood.” It seems that Maslow’s 1938 fieldwork research moved the direction of his interest to find the core of humanism, but his theory was also influenced afterward by leading psychologists of his time and his research. Therefore, we don’t really know what influences the Blackfoot society had on his work since there were so many other influences on him. We do know there should be more outward recognition of the Blackfoot influence and it should be explicitly stated.

Maslow “was concerned with creativity, freedom of expression, personal growth and fulfillment – issues that remain as relevant today in thinking about work, organizations, and our lives as they were in Maslow’s time. We think there’s an opportunity to create a new Maslow for management studies by returning to Maslow’s original ideas.” Maslow wondered, dreamed, and believed every person had the ability to reach self-actualization, but he searched all his life for what the motivation was. In fact, he became tired of average and believed all humans can reach self-actualization. Maslow believed we all have the potential to excel at our work whether we are talented musicians or menial laborers. “Maslow never proclaimed even the best people to be anything but human, susceptible to all-too-human flaws; but that did not mean he hoped for anything less than the remarkable for everyone. The essential question was not what made Beethoven Beethoven, but why everyone is not a Beethoven. Maslow was not his own dupe and knew well that musical or any other artistic genius is not bestowed equally, but he did hold that every person ought to be able to excel and find fulfillment in his work, whatever it was. Any work done with mastery possessed high dignity in his eyes.”

In 2007, Professor Terry Cross, a member of the Seneca Nation and founder of the National Indian Child Welfare Association (US) presented a keynote address, “Through Indigenous Eyes: Rethinking Theory and Practice”. He began the speech with an interpretation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in terms of indigenous culture and society and the different world views or collective thought processes of people (see graphic below from his PowerPoint slides)

Cross told the audience that the Western European and American worldview is linear while the native or tribal worldview is balanced and relational. In the Western worldview, time is linear. In the tribal or Native worldview, time is circular or cyclical. He also noted there are differences in each of the worldviews’ theory of change. For Westerners, change is the result of cause and effect while in the relational worldview “change is a constant, inevitable, cyclical, and dynamic part of the human experience that occurs in natural, predictable patterns and can be facilitated to promote desirable and measured outcomes.” (Cross, 2007) In 2011, Dr. Cindy Blackstock, a member of the Gitksan First Nation cites Cross’s work with worldview. In her article, “The Emergence of the Breath of Life Theory”, Blackstock “assumes that a set of interdependent principles known as the relational worldview principles (Cross, 2007) overlay an interconnected reality with expansive concepts of time and multiple dimensions of reality.” Although I haven’t studied earlier references to worldviews, I can see there is a focus on the needs of indigenous communities by researchers within those communities. There is a realization that in order to ensure the well-being of indigenous people, the lived experiences of those looking for solutions should have a similar worldview. In 2014, Karen Lincoln Michel attended a lecture by Dr. Blackstock where she referenced Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and the pyramid. She also bemoaned the lack of credit given to the Blackfoot by Maslow. It seems that until 2019, the pyramid was still associated with Maslow’s work.

Scott Barry Kaufman spent years researching Maslow’s work including unpublished letters and papers. In his book, Transcend (2020), Kaufman notes that Maslow understood there was no linear path to achieving self-actualization. His notes show his belief that people flow in and out of the different levels depending on their life circumstances and experiences. He also confirms that Maslow did not visualize his theory of motivation as a pyramid. It was indeed created by a management consultant in the 1960s.

After Blackstock’s essay was published in 2011, more people began writing about Maslow’s privileged use of Blackfoot teachings without giving them due credit. I have seen an awakening to the discussion, but I believe we’re missing an opportunity to focus on what we can learn from indigenous teachings instead of only criticizing Maslow for not recognizing where he may or may not have taken some of his ideas from and leaving the discussion at that point. I believe we can truly honor and recognize the indigenous teachings by learning about their worldview and their lived experiences.

There is so much to be learned from indigenous communities about living a fulfilling and satisfying life, but I will only touch on each one and provide references and videos for those interested in delving deeper.

The Emergence of the Breath of Life Theory (2011) by Dr. Cindy Blackstock

Breath of Life Theory: “(T)here are significant differences between First Nations* and western worldviews particularly in relation to time, interconnection of reality, and the First Nations belief that simple principles often explain complex phenomena such as the universe or humanity. The basic premise of the theory is that structural risks affecting children’s safety and well-being are alleviated when the relational worldview principles are in balance within the context and culture of the community.”

According to Native American child welfare expert Terry Cross in “the relational worldview model (Cross, 1997; Cross, 2007) the principles are categorized in four domains (cognitive, physical, spiritual, and emotional) of personal and collective well-being:

COGNITIVE: self and community actualization, role, service, identity, and esteem
PHYSICAL: water, food, housing, safety, and security
SPIRITUAL: spirituality and life purpose
EMOTIONAL: love, relationship, and belonging

The breath of life theory (BOL) predicts that, if the relational worldview principles are out of balance within the framework of community culture and context, then risks to the child’s safety and well-being will increase. BOL also suggests that child welfare interventions geared toward restoring balance among the relational worldview models principles will result in optimal safety and well-being for the community and their children.”

“Transformation Beyond Greed: Native Self Actualization” (2014) by Sidney Stone Brown

Sidney Stone Brown is a member of the Blackfeet Nation of Montana and currently the Behavioral Health Director of the Navajo Nation Department of Behavioral Health Services. Stone Brown notes in her address to the American Psychological Association in 2016 that “Foundational to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory is the idea – if we meet basic needs it will lead to peak experiences, authenticity, and dignity. So why don’t some individuals become actualized when their basic needs are met? This was a question Maslow searched for also. Stone Brown asks, “Could it be the insecurity of the society in which the individual lives?” Native Self Actualization occurs in a collectivist society while Western society is an individualist society.

Stone Brown was aware of Abraham Maslow’s view of self-actualization as a human need and the influence of his visit to the Blackfoot community in 1938. In fact, she requested access to all of his archives to ensure she was accurate in her portrayal of the work he did based on his visit. “When Maslow was on the Blackfoot (Siksika) Reserve in 1938, he learned from the young and old that giving back is not threatening to progress or wellbeing. Giving back protects the next generation. It prepares each person for their spiritual purpose and allows each person to become spiritually actualized. Peter Little Light, Blackfoot Medicine Man, would have spoken of these ways to Maslow, according to his step-grandson Clement Bear Chief, to convey to him the Blackfoot worldview. Maslow must have learned of the Blackfoot worldview about the purpose and meaning of life. And according to this worldview, becoming whole always involves service to others, putting others before ourselves.” (APA presentation. 2016)

Stone Brown’s work over the past twenty years includes creating and validating the Native Self Actualization Placement Assessment (NSPA). The NSPA is based on two major worldviews (traditional and contemporary) and is used for behavioral health services. Cultural worldviews represent the way a person views and relates to others. As she states in her speech to the APA in 2016, “Honoring all within the context of each person(s) unique mixture of traditional and contemporary skills allows each person to find their personal meaning for life.” You can find more information about Sidney Stone Brown, the NSPA, and her book on her website.

I will leave you with two final thoughts. First, from Kay Sidebottom:

“Why do we continue to ignore indigenous wisdom on which many of our educational theories rely? Along with the Blackfoot nation, which other thinkers are we failing to acknowledge in our teaching? What might happen if we begin to privilege other ways of knowing and being in the world? And – how can educators truly work to decolonise their curricula within neo-liberal systems which permeate and reinforce colonist practice? Taking a restorative approach requires us to explore these questions with humility, honesty and the willingness to confront our own role in the denial and promotion of colonialist practices. It asks us to be truth-seekers and to provide space for healing, for those who have been harmed by our systems.” (2019)

And finally, from Dr. Cindy Blackstock:

“It’s understanding one’s place in the world and acknowledging it. It’s realizing each day that I have been blessed with basic necessities and giving thanks for them. It’s doing my part to help my community and the greater good. Hopefully, these teachings practiced by my generation will inspire the next generation to take hold of them so they will endure.” (Blackstock, 2011)

*First Nation is a term used to identify Indigenous peoples of Canada who are neither Métis nor Inuit. This term came into common usage in the 1970s to replace the term “Indian” and “Indian band” which many find offensive.

References:

Cross, T.( 2007). https://www.snaicc.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/02242.pdf

Cross, T. https://youtu.be/LS8suhjvX4M

Kaufman, S. B. (2019,23 April). https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/who-created-maslows-iconic-pyramid

Michel, K. L. (2014). https://lincolnmichel.wordpress.com/2014/04/19/maslows-hierarchy-connected-to-blackfoot-beliefs

Sidebottom, K. (2019, 29 April). https://www.leedsbeckett.ac.uk/blogs/carnegie-education/2019/04/whose-knowledge/

Stone Brown, S. (2016). https://www.cdu.edu.au/sites/default/files/the-northern-institute/first_nations_symposium_-_27_sep_2019.pdf

Valiunis, A. (2011). https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/abraham-maslow-and-the-all-american-self

Overcoming Mageirocophobia – My fear of cooking

Posted on February 22, 2021 by ilene56

“No one is born a great cook, one learns by doing.” Julia Child

All my life I suffered from Mageirocophobia. The fear of cooking. My mind moved into panic mode whenever I knew I had to cook anything. According to my research about the subject, I had two of the underlying fears associated with this phobia: the fear of serving inedible food and a fear of recipes. I worried so much that my food would be tasteless even if I followed all the steps, I either missed something or added it twice. The social consequences were devastating. I was embarrassed to bring the paper plates or Pepsi to a potluck because I wasn’t able to cook anything. While my children were growing up, anxiety and guilt burdened me since I couldn’t provide a variety of healthy meals for them. As you can see, this problem can be quite debilitating.

I have been dealing with my cooking phobia for as long as I can remember. I am tired of thinking about it. The bottom line is: I hate to cook. I avoid looking at my reflection in the oven door and I have been telling friends and family for years that it just isn’t my thing. And it worked! They knew I couldn’t be in the kitchen, so everyone else cooked for me. In addition, my cooking disasters were well-known (mostly because I spoke of them so often). There was the time when I was in high school…a friend and I decided to make brownies from a mix to welcome back a classmate after a year-long absence. Somehow, I added too many eggs and stirred. Well, too late to take that extra egg out and the brownies came out hard as a rock. I remember standing there in disbelief that I could even mess up something as simple as a mix. We ended up going empty-handed to the reunion.

Over time, my cooking phobia colored all of my kitchen experiences. I was sure before I even cracked the first egg or fried the onion that the dish would be a total disaster. I dreaded the whole idea of it before I started and then was in a frenzy while I was doing it. I didn’t want anyone to help me, including my children. They did involve themselves in the process, but I made it so unpleasant it’s a wonder they ever helped me again. I could sense the exasperation and eye-rolling from them whenever I complained of my lack of prowess with spices. Actually, my family is lucky we live in Kuwait and are able to have a cook, otherwise, they would have starved. Sounds very dramatic, but that has been my “modus operandi” for most of my life. Until recently. I realized that I had been able to overcome so many other obstacles in my life and just my kitchen phobia remained, so it became my newest life challenge. I had to stop hiding under the kitchen table and face my fears head-on.

As always, I analyzed my situation. First, I had to get to the root of it all. Basically, why did I believe so strongly that it was my mother’s fault? She was the one that dominated the family kitchen while I was growing up, that’s true. She did hover and direct me whenever I attempted to bake or cook anything. But my little sister had turned out alright; she loves to cook. I guessed she must be a natural or lucky-she got the cooking gene from my mom. Then again, that couldn’t be it because when the spirit moves me and I am in the mood to cook, everyone says that my food is delicious. During the 1990 invasion of Kuwait, my family was in Spain. I learned to cook Kuwaiti dishes and made English muffins and Lebanese bread in the oven. It was out of necessity since my husband only cooked one meat and rice dish and the children and I were so bored of the same food every day. Maybe I wasn’t a natural at it, but when I tried and my heart was in it, I did alright. That led me to the realization that maybe I had created the problem, not my mother, not my genes. It was my lack of self-confidence that hobbled me. Constantly comparing my cooking to my mother’s and sister’s dishes didn’t help. So, after more than 50 years of blaming my poor mother, I admitted my own failings. As soon as I did, my confidence began to build.

In 2008, I spent Ramadan with my parents in the United States. After 60 years of marriage and almost daily preparation of meals, my mother had stopped cooking every day. Since I was fasting and needed to have more than a salad to break my fast, I realized I needed to cook my own meals. I felt so much more relaxed in the kitchen. When my mother tried to direct me, I was able to steadfastly hold my own. When she hovered, I realized she was trying to see how I was doing things since the food was different. I didn’t take it as undermining my ability. When I added the meat before the tomato paste, I didn’t throw the spoon and get frustrated. I kept on stirring and when I was finished and sat down to eat, I made mental notes about how I could improve the dish the next time I made it.

Last Spring, I was living with my mother for two months while I waited to find a way to return to Kuwait during the height of the pandemic lockdowns. We decided to buy an instant pot, a pressure cooker that made making meals much easier and quicker. For the first time in our lives, my mother and I were cooking together. We figured out a way to divide up the tasks and have fun while we were prepping our meals. When I finally returned to Kuwait at the end of April, I had more confidence in my ability to cook a variety of meals. Cooking has been my distraction from sitting in front of the computer screen, and it’s become enjoyable! I bought an instant pot and am making apple sauce, cottage cheese, soup, and look forward to making other recipes. I have also made lasagna, cheesecake, ice cream, granola, and chocolate chip cookies. All turned out delicious according to friends and family. I am grateful I overcame my Mageirocophobia! In a year of uncertainty and not being able to travel to see my children, mom, sister, brother, and friends, cooking has become a lifesaver for me. It has taught me that reflecting on why I’m feeling a certain way that is negative, I am usually able to focus on how to overcome the feeling. I do wish I could have figured this out when my children were younger and still at home; however, my eldest and youngest love to cook, and my middle child prefers others to cook for him, but he doesn’t have any negative emotions connected to cooking. Hopefully, I will have a chance to visit them soon, so I can cook with them, happily.

Love story – How we met

Posted on February 15, 2021 by ilene56

Buncee depicting my sweetheart and me on a boat in Dubai. Hearts and lovebirds surround us. Kuwait Towers, symbol of Kuwait and Niagara Falls symbolizing Buffalo, NY

In March 1978, I met my soulmate and the love of my life. He was a Kuwaiti graduate student completing his intensive English requirement before starting his graduate studies in Oral Pathology when we met by accident at our university’s student center. I had already been accepted into an MBA program in Miami, Florida which meant I was moving from Buffalo, New York where I grew up and we met. At the time, I definitely wasn’t looking to meet a life partner. Little did I know…

I often met my girlfriend, a fellow student at the university, in the student center on the North campus. She tutored foreign students in the intensive English program at the university in her free time and on that particular day, as we walked by one of the tables, she stopped to say hello to some of the students she knew. This group happened to be mostly Arabic speakers and were soon joined by a short, rather shy young man who looked older than the undergraduate students we’d been chatting with. It turns out, he was a graduate student and also taking the English course before entering his full-time Oral Pathology degree program. He shyly said hello to everyone and mentioned he was heading home in his car if any of the students needed a ride. As they left, my friend and I said goodbye. We didn’t think anything else about the encounter until a few days later when we bumped into some of the same students at a Lebanese restaurant near another part of the campus. After greeting each other and sharing which foods were our favorites, the short grad student invited my girlfriend and me to his apartment for a gathering of some friends. We told him we’d try to attend since we were looking for a bit of socializing in our free time.

The gathering was small and it was only six more weeks before I moved to Miami, Florida for grad school, so I was social but not very involved in a conversation with any of the guests except my friend. Then the shy, short grad student came over to me and asked me if I was enjoying the party. I didn’t want to seem unfriendly, so I told him I was interested in knowing more about where he was from. As an undergraduate history major, I enjoyed learning about different places, the culture, and customs. In my new friend’s case, I knew where Kuwait was on the map, but I didn’t know much more than that. In rather broken English, he told me about Kuwait and asked questions to get to know me. I still wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship but was happy to have someone to chat with. As a shy 22-year-old, I felt awkward in social situations, but there was something about this shy Kuwaiti that made me feel less awkward. Before we left the party, he invited my friend and me to an international student activity the following week. Suffice it to say, by the time I left for Miami we were more than just friends.

The year I spent in Miami was filled with studying and working part-time to support myself. It was also a year of long-distance phone calls and snail mail including postcards. I had decided I didn’t want to travel during my December holiday because I was working and also hated the snowy, cold weather in Buffalo. Instead, my boyfriend flew to Miami to visit me. We enjoyed our time together and became closer. I admired his caring towards me and compassion towards others. He told me he had two more years to complete his graduate program and then he would move back to Kuwait. Although I had deep feelings for him, I couldn’t imagine myself moving so far away from home, something that was always in the back of my mind. Moving forward in our relationship seemed out of reach.

Towards the end of my degree program, I began looking for a job. I preferred to stay in the southern United States where it was warmer and there were more opportunities for employment. I settled on an offer from a bank in Atlanta, Georgia. My boyfriend visited me there and we continued to keep in touch on the phone. After about a year in Atlanta, my boyfriend, who was close to finishing his degree, proposed to me. He initially said he could make a life in America but it would make more sense if we were both in the same place while he completed his degree. At the time, I wasn’t very happy at my job, so even though I said I would never move back to Buffalo, I resigned from my job, took a job in a bank in Buffalo, and headed home. Within a year, my fiance had completed his degree and moved back to Kuwait. In spite of thinking he could manage life in America, he returned home. His mother became ill and he needed to be back in Kuwait to travel with her to Germany for treatment. I had already quit my job and packed my worldly possessions to follow him and get married there, but plans were put on hold until he returned from Germany. In the meantime, many of my friends told me I shouldn’t trust him to follow through on his promise. However, I believed him and in the six years we had been together, he’d never given a reason to doubt his promise.

At the end of September 1984, he called me from Kuwait and told me he was arranging a flight to London where we would meet up after almost a year apart and spend a few days before heading to Kuwait. I appreciated the chance to break up the trip and to see a place I’d always dreamed of visiting. Our days in London were spent enjoying live theater, visiting museums, and eating yummy food at wonderful restaurants. Then it was time to travel to Kuwait to get married and settle down. It wasn’t the first time I had been to Kuwait. My fiance invited me to see his home and meet his family in 1980 to make sure it was a place I would be happy. Truth be told, I would have been happy anywhere as long as we were together.

It has been more than thirty-six years since I moved to Kuwait and I have never regretted my decision. My husband and I have had our ups and downs like all married couples, but our friendship and love for each other has carried us through every difficult situation. If you had told me in February 1978 that I would be living in Kuwait and returning to Buffalo, New York in the middle of winter to visit my family who still lives there, I wouldn’t have believed you. But that’s exactly what happened and because I feel a sense of belonging in both places, I feel fulfilled and so blessed.

EdD.ilene

EdD.ilene is my personal perspective on my life and how the places, people, and experiences have influenced my mindset towards education and society..

Category Archives: Culture