Hallway filled with students at Gulf University for Science and Technology-Kuwait

In 2010, I was hired by a local private university in Kuwait to teach Level 2 English in a foundation intensive English program. I already had an understanding of the nuances of Arabic language and believed I could use that knowledge to inform how I would teach pre-college students with weak academic English skills. I was new to the age group, but not new to teaching ESL. I planned my lessons for the first week of class and looked forward to meeting my students. In the hallway outside of my office, teachers were exchanging the names of who was registered in their sections. It seemed that when I mentioned one particular student’s name, the reaction was the same each time. “Uh oh!! You need to be careful of HER (I will call her Dana, not her real name). Last semester, she tried to get her teacher fired. She’s a real problem. Be really careful.”

Wow! That’s a lot to take in as a new teacher. A student who is evil; a bad influence. But that’s not the way I view my students. I took it as a challenge. It’s not that I didn’t believe the teachers who warned me, but I don’t allow those warnings to influence my view of students. I decided to find out about my students, their personalities, their strengths, and their areas needing improvement. The first day of class, I looked around the room and almost immediately spotted the student they were talking about. How did I know it was her? At 8:00 a.m. she was wearing long fake eyelashes, heavy make up and the tightest clothes imaginable; inappropriate for the classroom and especially for the conservative Kuwaiti environment. “‘Aha’”, I thought, “‘I need to focus on why she believes that is necessary without calling her out, or making her feel like I was targeting her.'”

Humanity is 1.human beings collectively; 2. the quality of being humane; benevolence (https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/humanity).
My children will tell you that I am sometimes overcompensate for a person’s weakness or wrongdoing by asking myself, ‘Why is that person acting in that way?’ But I believe we all have reasons for our behavior and giving a person the benefit of the doubt will open up an opportunity to discuss what happened rather than jumping to a conclusion that most likely is incorrect. Most of the time, I have found that the person reacted because he/she was having a separate issue that affected him/her.

The first few weeks of school, I pay a lot of attention to each student’s prior knowledge, gaps in knowledge, and personalities (quiet, outspoken, confident, shy, cares about learning, could care less). I noted that Dana lacked confidence in herself and her knowledge, although I could tell she knew more than she let on. I also noted that she didn’t attend regularly and when she did, none of her classmates sat near her. That made me wonder…What was her story? Why was she like that? Whey did she make excuses for not doing her work, not participating in class rather than owning her responsibility?

One of the ways I make my classroom a safe space is to gain the trust of students by ensuring each of them is treated fairly. That means, if a student is regularly absent, warning them in the same way and sitting with them to help them understand how their behavior is affecting their learning and a way to find a solution. I don’t find the solution; I question students about the reason(s) for their lack of attendance and guide them to a solution they can follow. Dana began accumulating many absences and was receiving regular warnings from the Peoplesoft system.I was also calling her into my office and discussing her situation. She initially gave me silly excuses, but I told her that I wasn’t “buying” her excuses and if she continued, she would flunk the course due to attendance.

Then one day about midway through the course, she came to class late and seemed quite distressed. She entered the classroom and asked me to step outside the door because she needed to tell me something important. When I stepped outside, she told me that she had been accused of bullying and pushing a student who had gone to the police and complained about her. She was late because she needed to go to the police station with her father and defend herself from the accusation. She was concerned that if she missed the class, she would be dropped from the course and have to repeat it again. She pleaded with me to understand her situation and that she would make up the work. Eureka! I finally had gotten Dana to understand that her behavior had consequences and that she needed to take responsibility.

I had a choice at that moment. I could choose to ignore her pleas and follow the rules by recording her absence. That would have meant Dana repeating the course. But what I heard from her that day was, “I get it. I am responsible for my behavior and what I do affects whether I learn, whether I pass or fail.” If I had listened to the teachers who warned me at the beginning of the semester, I might not have believed her; however, I knew her well at this point in the semester. There was a story behind the reason for the way she dressed, overdid her makeup, and was so casual about her learning. I found out that she came from a very conservative family. Her mother was completely covered with a headscarf and niqab (face cover), and her father didn’t want her to go to college. He believed she would fail and stay home, get married, and continue the conservative tradition of his family. But Dana wasn’t like that. She wanted to have the freedom to dress like her friends and wanted to complete her degree.

Two years later, I bumped into Dana in the hallway. She came over to me, gave me a big hug, and thanked me for believing and trusting her. She no longer wore fake eyelashes and was wearing a pretty outfit that was far from what she used to wear to class. I asked her about her progress, and she told me she was on track to graduate the following year. I told her how proud I was of her progress and that her smile (which I had rarely seen when she was my student) was truly beautiful.

Our students come to our classrooms with personal stories that are sometimes quite overwhelming. Our responsibility as teachers is to uncover the reasons behind their behaviors that might seem annoying or disruptive. Social and emotional learning (SEL) and trauma informed teaching is vital for us to ensure that all students learn. [caption

Graphic that says, Bilingual! Bicultural! Do you know where I am coming from? https://multilingualparenting.com/2014/05/07/bilingual-bicultural-from-where-am-i

I have lived in Kuwait for more than half my life, so you might ask me “Do I identify as American or Kuwaiti?” This is a hard question to answer, but I will probably tell you that I have one foot in Kuwait and one foot in the United States. Let me explain: I believe that many people who were born in one culture and lived for a long time in another will identify as bi- or multi-cultural. When I am in the U.S., people will tell me they hear an accent when I speak, and when I am in Kuwait, people will tell me how fluent I am in Arabic, but they will almost always detect that it isn’t my first language. This and other aspects of my identity have been developing over time and it hasn’t always been easy to accept that I am different because my life experiences are different from someone who was born and raised in one country, knowing one language, and a single culture.

Graphic showing the components of culture
photo credit: www.termcoord.eu

I have always been fascinated by the history of other countries and how cultures develop which make them seem different from others. I have also been interested in how similar we are in spite of the differences in culture, language, and customs. In fact, I have studied Kuwait’s history and culture to understand certain aspects of life and behaviors in my adopted home. For example, when I first arrived in Kuwait, I noticed how slow people were to adopt new ideas although those ideas would be discussed openly. What was the reason for them to take so long to move forward or make a decision that would move them forward? As I learned more about the early history, I realized that early settlers of Kuwait followed were a consultative society with the rulers and traders discussing issues until a consensus could be reached. This takes time and sometimes seems endless. However, it also means that people’s rights and opinions are respected. This consultative tradition continues until today and now includes democratic election of Parliament members.

It’s important to know my personal background to understand why I am an advocate for inclusion, diversity, and acceptance of those who may seem “different”. When I was growing up in Buffalo, New York I never imagined I would move halfway around the world, marry a Kuwaiti, and convert to Islam. But I was sure I would become a global citizen who values the cultures, languages, customs, and opinions of others even if they disagree with mine.

I was raised in a Reform Jewish household, went to Sunday school, had my Bat Mitzvah and confirmation, and my brother became a rabbi. I wouldn’t consider myself dogmatically religious, but I participated in the major holidays. My mother and father were involved in the Urban League* from the early 1960s at a time when the racial divide was at a critical stage in American history. When my mother returned to college in 1968 to complete her undergraduate degree, she became active in the Women’s Liberation movement and took several courses in Women’s Studies. These topics were openly discussed at home and at our dinner table. So I already had a mindset that equality includes respect, equity, justice for all…

I suppose this open-mindedness allowed me to be open about accepting other religions and carefully reflecting and assessing my own values and beliefs. What I discovered is that my religion exists within me. It is a spiritual faith rather than a label. I am not sure if you agree with me and that’s alright. We are all entitled to our own opinions about religion and faith since it is such a personal journey. I am sharing how I feel at this time in my life. I have found peace of mind as a Muslim, but I continue to respect all religions because I have a deep faith and believe that we are all created for a reason and must use our abilities and resources to ensure we leave this earth a better place. Rather philosophical, but if you think about it, it is the truth.

I am able to accept that my life experiences have molded who I am, and I should use those experiences for the benefit of others. By sharing my story and what I have learned about myself, other cultures, and religions, I am opening opportunities for dialogue and discussion that enable people to see how more alike we are than different. And those differences can be used to make this world a better place.

* The Urban Leagues is an American service agency founded for the purpose of eliminating racial segregation and discrimination and helping African Americans and other minorities to participate in all phases of American life.

Gripe water is a remedy for baby’s colic and was often used during the 1980s in Kuwait.

Within the first year of arriving in Kuwait, my first child was born in August, 1985. Since I still didn’t know much Arabic, my husband decided it would be more comfortable for me to deliver at a private hospital so someone could stay with me. It was August and still very hot. My mother-in-law’s Filipino helper, a dear lady who was in her 40’s and had three children of her own, was designated. It was a blessing to have someone with me that I knew. The hospital experience was all new to me since I had never needed to stay in a hospital before, even in America. It was all a fairly routine birth and I was soon home again at my mother-in-law’s.

There are several traditions that were still practiced back in 1985 including 40 days rest and recovery, usually at the home of the baby’s maternal grandmother. Since my mother was not in Kuwait, I relied on my mother-in-law to advise me about taking care of the baby and how to recover from child-birth. There are several traditions related to this 40 day period including a mix of dried herbs that are taken with water, or in my case, mixed up in my food since the herbs had a bitter after taste. This is a remedy for strengthening your back and insides after birth. Another tradition, was eating foods such as a lamb stew called “gabout”. This was and still is one of my favorite Kuwaiti dishes. My mother-in-law sent it up to my apartment every afternoon. That was until about the 10th day when a plate of spaghetti was served. I mentioned to my husband that I missed having the stew that day, but not to say anything to his mother. Of course, he didn’t listen to me and went downstairs to let her know i was surprised that she didn’t serve the lamb stew. She told him that she thought I might be missing American food! When she found out that I preferred to eat the gabout every day since it was my favorite, she laughed.

Having relatives visit to congratulate the new mom and see the new baby was also a tradition during the first few weeks. Nowadays, that time period is shortened to a couple of evenings while the new mother is still in the hospital. There was no specific timing for these visits, so sometimes I was busy feeding the baby or resting. At these times, my mother-in-law visited with them until I was able to join them.

And there is always advice about taking care of the baby. My first born had a terrible bout with colic almost every afternoon. A remedy called “gripe water” was recommended by many. It’s not available anymore, so I have no idea what was in it, but didn’t use it much since I found out the best way to calm his little tummy was to rub his back in a circular motion until he felt better. Another popular local tradition was to soak a few dates in warm water for one hour and then strain the water, pour it into the baby’s bottle, and let him drink it. Dates are well known for the many nutrients and vitamins they contain. Babies benefit because it helps make their bones strong.

Once I was past the 40 days, I registered for my first level modern standard Arabic courses at the local university’s continuing education center. The baby stayed in the care of his grandmother and her helper, while I attended class twice a week. I learned the alphabet and some basic grammar structures as I moved up from Level 1 all the way to level 4.

My second child, another son, was born 20 months later, May 1987. He and his younger sister, born 3 years after, in May, 1990, were delivered in the government maternity hospital. I had to wait for a private room to open up, and it was the beginning of Ramadan, the month of fasting. Visiting hours were restricted during this time to the evening, after breaking the fast which meant that I had no visitors on the first day until much later (my son was born very early in the morning). My experience in the government hospital was similar to the private hospital except that I was on my own most of the time except for visiting hours.

By the time my daughter was born, we moved into our own house about 10 minutes from my mother-in-law. Since my sons were staying there, I only spent 10 days at her house (instead of the traditional 40 days) and then back to my new house. As I have already written, we traveled to America to visit my family in July, 1990 a few weeks before Kuwait was invaded by Iraqi troops.

Public school building from the 1980s with students in the foreground standing in line for assembly.

Education and where to send your child to school is always a big decision for parents. In Kuwait, it’s an even bigger decision because there are so many choices; American, British, bi-lingual, public, French…). My husband and I had many discussions before we enrolled our son in the public kindergarten. He was so used to speaking with me in English that he continued to speak with my children in English. I wanted them to be able to speak Arabic with their older relatives including their grandmother, so public school system was the best option. Unfortunately, my oldest son completed only two years in this system before the invasion and when we returned to Kuwait in 1991, we made the decision to continue with private education for both of my sons since they were weak in Arabic and had attended private, foreign schools in Spain.

It was obvious after a few years in the private system and hardly any Arabic spoken at home, that the boys were more fluent and comfortable in English. Eventually, they needed tutors for Arabic since the private school system is required to offer classical Arabic to nationals, but only one lesson of 45 minutes daily. Most of the teachers were not Kuwaiti, so they spoke other Arab dialects. By the time they were in elementary school, they were still struggling to speak Arabic although they understood. Based on this experience, I was determined to enroll my daughter in the public school system, so she would be confident to speak, read, and write in her home language. Her English fluency suffered; she could speak but her reading and writing were very weak. In the public schools, English was only taught one lesson of 45 minutes daily. This was a concern since we wanted her to have the choice of studying in the U.S. After completing grade 6, we moved her to a private American school where she completed through high school.

My children have varying levels of fluency in Arabic while English is their stronger language. My sister-in-law once told me not to worry about the level of mastery since “when they need to know it, they will”. I still wish that we could have made choices that allowed them to be bilingual and confident in both languages. However, Over the years, I have discussed this with many other parents who are mixed cultures and they experienced the same. Perhaps it isn’t the choice of school or the environment at home, but their need to know the language which gives it a purpose.

In Part 4 of this series, my experiences lead me to discover a lot about myself and living a dual-cultural existence.