Category Archives: Belonging

The Impact #oneword Can Have

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Ilene’s #oneword 2020 poster shows the word Community and some app logos like Flipgrid, Buncee, Wakelet

Over the past few years, I’ve participated in the #oneword movement. Each year since 2019, I have chosen a word after reflecting on the past year and my year ahead. As the year passes, I refer to my word and check in about how it resonates with me and relates to events in my life.  For me, it’s a better guide than a New Year resolution and continues reverberating years later. I intentionally chose each #oneword to ensure they connect from year to year, which means they can be an even more powerful guide to me.

 

Here are my #onewords in yearly order: 

2020: Transition

2021: Belonging

2022: Journey 

2023: Bittersweet 

2024: Bridge

#oneword 2022, Journey

I will share an example of how these words can be a powerful guide. 

Since the early 2000s, I have passionately supported educators and education leaders with training, coaching, and mentoring. My work included attending and presenting at local, regional, and international conferences and providing these services to local Kuwaiti private schools through a consultancy I established in 2012. I attended and presented at conferences such as ISTE, ASCD, TESOL International, TESOL Arabia, INACOL, and BettMENA on various topics. It was something that was a part of my soul. I continued to do it even after I retired from full-time work as an administrator in 2019. It was a way to stay connected with people during the pandemic and stay busy in my retirement. I never thought I’d set this work aside. Until…

In Spring 2022, my son and daughter-in-law announced they were expecting a baby that Fall. A week or so later, my daughter and son-in-law announced they were expecting twins a few weeks before them. I was elated! I’d waited years to become a Nana, and now I would be a Nana three times! How awesome is that? Then reality set in. Both couples lived in different states on the Eastern coast of the U.S. at the time. I consulted with them and decided to travel from Kuwait to be with my daughter since she was due before my daughter-in-law. I also knew she would need help with the twins. When my daughter-in-law’s mother left to return to Kuwait in November, I arranged to spend time helping her and my son. 

Fast forward to September 10, 2023, and the unexpected early birth of the twins by C-section. I immediately bought an air ticket to travel at the earliest available date. The babies were premature at 28 weeks, so they were hospitalized in the NICU for a month. My daughter was recovering from pre-eclampsia and the surgery, so she stayed in the hospital for a week. That gave me time to finish what I needed to do in Kuwait, pack, and head West. So began a year-long balance of life in the U.S. and Kuwait. All thoughts about my professional life were put on the back burner as I put systems in place to support my daughter and son-in-law as they navigated parenthood with two preemies. As I told them when I arrived, my goal was to support, not take over. They were going through a significant transition, and I was staying in their home. Decisions about what, how, and when to do things would come from them. Only when I was asked for suggestions would I make any. On the rare occasion when I felt strongly about something, I asked if I could give advice based on my experience. They appreciated that my role was supportive so they could set up a new life situation that worked for them. As a result, my relationship with them deepened.

However, I had to cancel 2023 conference appearances at ISTE, EDIT Summit, TESOL, and a local TESOL conference that I had committed to doing. As the year went on, I struggled every time I received a call for proposals from an organization I belonged to until I finally unsubscribed from most of them. In 2022 and 2023, I was focused on self-care (I’m not as young as I was when I had my kids, so taking care of babies with lots of needs at all times of day and night took a toll on me after a couple of months) and focused on my family. I was honest with my children and their spouses about making sure my health stayed a priority so I could keep helping them. That meant staying in the U.S. for a couple of months, then returning to Kuwait, where my husband awaited my short visits. Then, flying back to the U.S. to help out again. I did that five times in the space of ten months. I am privileged because I retired and have the time and financial means to do that. 

It might surprise you that even after all this time and my devotion to my children and grandchildren, I struggled with giving up my passion for training and supporting teachers to have more time to focus on my family, especially my grandchildren. I also wanted to be available for my mother (she’s 99, reasonably self-sufficient, but needs me now and then). There was no time to work on presentations or submissions, and I had to withdraw from the conferences I’d already committed to. I have organized events and conferences, which creates more work for the organizers if someone changes their mind. That impacted me emotionally. 

Now, back to my #oneword series. 

In 2019, I transitioned from full-time work as a very involved administrator who worked long hours to retirement. Transition was a perfect word for that year as I navigated my life without a daily schedule.

In 2020, my #oneword was belonging. I focused on freelance consulting and presenting wherever and whenever I could. It helped my transition to retirement and supported my sense of belonging. 

In 2021, advocate (verb and noun) was my #oneword. The world was still in the midst of the pandemic, and politics was dealing heavy blows to DEIJB initiatives. I grew up believing in people and their humanity. It was time for me to speak out about issues and listen to understand why, after many years of effort by people and organizations to bring equity and social justice to every individual, we were failing. 

In 2022, my #oneword was journey. All of life is a journey, and I began to feel the need to view life in transition and my search for belonging as a path on my journey. 

Last year, my #oneword was bittersweet. I felt the bittersweetness of leaving my freelance work (the bitter) and looking for other paths, like writing children’s books and spending time with my family (the sweetness), which was connected with belonging. I allowed myself to be available when my family needed me. 

This year, I reflected on the past few years and looked forward. I realized that the year would still be a bit bitter with some sweetness and that I could be the bridge if I fully accepted the changes in my life. I also consider myself a bridge between people and cultures; people who’ve met me have mentioned the same. The main character of my first picture book is Aziza. She is a bi-racial Arab American living in Kuwait and navigating a world where difference makes it difficult for her to be included by her peers. Although she is bilingual (Arabic/English), she has a detectable accent when she speaks Arabic, and her classmates notice it. She is also much shorter than her peers, which makes her look younger than her age. I hope Aziza’s story will create a bridge between the perceptions of differences of her classmates and create a sense of belonging and community through their shared life experiences. 

As you can see, I remain true to my passion: supporting children’s sense of belonging. Only this time, through storytelling, teachers can read to their students and discuss topics like inclusion and diversity. I’m also planning to write books for older children steeped in the history and culture of the Arabian Gulf region to broaden the perspective of readers from around the world.

My #oneword continues to guide my life. It’s only March, and I already see how “bridge” impacts my thinking about a future without conferences and consulting but filled with writing and imagining. It also pushes me to reach out virtually to the many educators I will no longer see in person. I want to keep those connections alive.

 

Reflections on my #oneword2023 – Bittersweet

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This year, as I delve into the complexities of my #oneword2023 – bittersweet, I find myself caught in a delicate dance between the joy encapsulated in my family’s moments and the bitter reality of our world. The contrast is stark, and as I witness the innocence of my grandchildren against the backdrop of global strife, the word ‘bittersweet’ takes on a profound meaning.

The bittersweet symphony of my personal life, documented in the laughter and growth of Luna, Nova, and Lulwa, seems almost surreal when juxtaposed with the harsh realities that plague our world. In a time where geopolitical tensions are palpable, with conflicts in Gaza, DR Congo, Sudan, and beyond, the sweetness of familial love becomes a refuge—a sanctuary against the bitter storms raging beyond our homes.

As I consider the videos and photographs that bring me immeasurable joy, a poignant question lingers: What kind of world are we shaping for future generations? The bittersweet undertones intensify as I contemplate the challenges and complexities that Luna, Nova, and Lulwa might confront as they navigate the intricacies of a world marred by conflicts and a seeming lack of humanity.

The contrast becomes even more pronounced as I reminisce about my professional life before their arrival. The decisions to step back, unsubscribe, and reassess my priorities carry the weight of sacrifice, yet in the same breath, I acknowledge the unparalleled joy that my family brings. It’s a bittersweet acknowledgment that life, in its multifaceted nature, demands trade-offs, and the path not taken is often paved with nostalgia and a tinge of regret.

In the professional realm, the bittersweet dance continues. Unsubscribing from familiar organizations symbolizes a shift, a departure from a familiar path. The prospect of missed opportunities and unmet virtual friends amplifies the bitter notes. However, in that moment of reflection, the realization strikes—these decisions are made not in isolation but against the backdrop of the best gifts in the world, my family.

The overarching question persists: How can I shield my loved ones from the harshness of a world seemingly devoid of compassion and empathy? Or, perhaps more importantly, How can I become an example for them to follow? The tragedies unfolding in various corners of the globe—the conflicts, the suffering, the disparities—cast a shadow that is hard to ignore. Yet, within this complexity, the bittersweet connection between personal joy and global anguish is not lost.

"The Bittersweet is also about the recognition that light and dark, birth and death -bitter and sweet - are forever paired. "Days of honey. Days of onion" as an old Arabic proverb puts it."

Perhaps, it is in acknowledging this duality that compassion for humanity blossoms. The bittersweet experiences of our personal lives can become a catalyst for fostering compassion and understanding of the collective human experience. The call for positive change echoes in this intersection of joy and sorrow.

As I navigate the interplay of sweet family moments and the bitter realities of the world, I am reminded that life, in all its bittersweet glory, is an ongoing journey. It is a journey where the compassion we cultivate within our families can extend beyond, influencing the broader narrative of humanity. In the face of adversity, it becomes imperative to turn bittersweetness into a force for positive change—one that shapes a world where future generations can inherit not only love but also a legacy of empathy and compassion.

"The place you suffer, in other words, is the same place you care profoundly-care enough to act."

**Call to Action: Cultivate Compassion and Act Locally**

In the tapestry of bittersweet reflections on my #oneword2023, I invite you to join me in transforming contemplation into action. The world may be rife with challenges, but within our spheres of influence, there are tangible steps we can take to create a ripple effect of positive change.

1. **Foster Compassion in Your Community:**
Share the bittersweet stories that shape your life. Engage in conversations that bridge the gaps between personal joy and global challenges. You contribute to a more empathetic and understanding community by fostering compassion in your immediate circles.

2. **Support Local Initiatives:**
While the global stage may seem overwhelming, focusing on local initiatives allows us to make a meaningful impact. Support organizations and projects in your community that work towards positive change in education, healthcare, or social justice.

3. **Stay Informed and Advocate for Change:**
Knowledge is a powerful tool. Stay informed about global events and issues. Advocate for change by raising awareness, participating in relevant discussions, and supporting organizations that align with your values.

4. **Embrace the Power of Connection:**
Leverage the digital age to connect with like-minded individuals globally. Join online communities that advocate for positive change and share resources, ideas, and experiences. The collective strength of a connected world can amplify our efforts.

5. **Inspire the Next Generation:**
Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or mentor, play a role in shaping the perspectives of the next generation. Instill values of empathy, compassion, and global awareness in young minds, ensuring they grow up with a sense of responsibility towards the world.

6. **Document Your Journey:**
Share your own bittersweet reflections. Whether through blogs, social media, or local gatherings, your personal experiences can inspire others to reflect on their lives and the impact they can have on the world around them.

In the midst of life’s bittersweet moments, let us find strength in our shared humanity. By taking small, intentional steps, we can contribute to a world that balances the scales toward compassion and understanding. The journey towards positive change begins with us, in our homes, communities, and the stories we tell. Together, let’s turn the bittersweet symphony of our lives into a harmonious melody of hope and action.

In Search of Safety and Belonging: Navigating Our Global Crises

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Today, my heart is aching. It’s aching for all the lives lost so far in multiple places around the world. It’s also angry. How can this be happening? I ask myself. How can people around the world watch as a whole population is forced to flee their homes, their birthplace, where they feel they belong? 

In the world’s vast expanse, countless individuals are bound by a common thread — the pursuit of safety and belonging amidst an era riddled with conflict and environmental turmoil. The contrasting images of people displaced and those trapped by barbed wire fences resonating across our screens and newspapers are a piercing illustration of this pursuit, capturing the urgency of a planet in distress beyond borders and seas.

War and strife rip through nations, leaving deep scars of trauma in their wake. Governments are intent on taking control of natural resources, interfering in sovereign affairs, and causing families to run for their lives. Thousands in the streets of every major city scream for justice, peace, and what is right. They are powerless to stop the conflicts.

Climate calamities strike with indiscriminate might, an invisible enemy that shifts the ground beneath and redraws the coastlines without regard. For those already cornered by conflict, the rising sea levels and environmental degradation due to greenhouse gas emissions pose existential threats, magnifying the hardships. Their struggle is emblematic of the double jeopardy facing vulnerable populations worldwide – caught between geopolitical strife and the ruthless, creeping tides of global warming.

Children, amidst this chaos, find their futures in jeopardy. What is our future if our children suffer because our decisions have increased the likelihood of disease, destruction, and desolation? Their potential is at risk as they navigate an uncertain future and an unhealthy environment. Once vibrant and unbounded, their dreams are confronted by the grim predictions of a world in flux, challenging their potential and tomorrows. 

Sharing these feelings isn’t merely a foray into empathy; it’s a call to action. Within every child uprooted by conflict or climate disaster, there is a lost opportunity for progress toward peace and a better world for all. They will carry this with them throughout their lives. Children who are watching; children who are experiencing. Our collective future depends on how we resolve conflicts or address climate change and how we uphold the human rights of the most vulnerable, our children. In embracing this common cause of humanity, we can find true safety and a sense of belonging for all.  

Detours, Discoveries, and Digital Delights

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A graphic that depicts happy students and their teacher working in a group and learning together.

Courtesy of Firefly

As I shared in my recent video, stepping back into my consulting work after a year-long hiatus spent cherishing special moments with my kids and grandkids has been invigorating and enlightening. While I was busy changing diapers and cooking dinners, there was an astonishing surge in the realm of LLMs (Large Language Models) and generative AI. I couldn’t resist diving right into this new wave of innovation. It’s fascinating how our perspectives shift as time goes by – a year ago, I might have shied away from these novel technologies, but now, I stand as a staunch advocate of embracing the unfamiliar. It’s akin to a form of playful exploration that has rekindled my sense of creativity in ways I never thought possible.

My latest focus has been on crafting videos that spotlight the myriad of ways educators can cultivate a sense of belonging within their classrooms and educational institutions. I’ve been penning video scripts with a little help from my AI buddy, ChatGPT. I interacted with the chatbot by honing my prompts (which was part of the fun). Then, lights, camera, action – I’m using Streamyard to capture my thoughts on video, bringing them to life. After that, it’s all about the magical touch of Microsoft’s Clipchamp to polish up those videos. Adding eye-catching thumbnails that I created using Firefly with Adobe Express. Oh, and don’t forget those super cool Canva brand templates from Ed2Market that I can enhance and modify with apps like Text to Image. It’s like turning words into captivating visuals in the blink of an eye. One of my favorite parts of all of this is creating the prompts and figuring out how to word them to ensure I get the results I have in mind. The whole process of creating, editing, and jazzing up videos feels like a thrilling adventure, and it’s all because I’ve unlocked my sense of self-belonging.

Courtesy of Text to Image Canva app

If you’ve ever wondered, “Can I really wrap my head around all this new tech?” – the answer is a resounding yes! All it takes is a pinch of self-belief and a dash of confidence, and you’re ready to conquer any tech challenge that comes your way. Trust me, it’s an exhilarating ride, and you’re in for a treat! And you’ll have so much fun while you’re learning and doing! 

Whether you’re a tech newbie or a seasoned pro, remember this: finding your sense of belonging is the key. It’s what fuels your fearless exploration of the tech universe. So go ahead, embrace the unknown, and let your creativity and tech prowess shine bright. And encourage your students to do the same. You’ve got this, and I can’t wait to see the incredible things you’ll create!

Here’s the link to the video I created this week. And the IG reel version.

 

Journeys to Belonging podcast transcript for #oneword2023 ep. 3 (Bittersweet)

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Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Journeys to Belonging on today’s episode 3 of my #oneword2023 bittersweet or the feeling of bittersweetness. Today I’d like to talk a little bit about why bittersweet is my word for 2023. In the first two episodes, I talked a little bit about the journey of my life and my reflections on the bittersweetness that I’ve experienced already. But you might be wondering why I chose this word for 2023. Last September, my daughter had twins, a boy and a girl, and my son had a baby girl. So I’m a nana of three now and so excited to be a grandma, but the bittersweetness part is that I don’t live near either of them. My daughter lives in Boston and my son lives in New Jersey. That means I have to decide when I can spend time with them.

01:34.79
Of course, my home is in Kuwait and so I have family there. My husband is there most of the time although he sometimes travels and visits the grandchildren with me. So I think you begin to see why my feeling moving forward is bittersweetness. First of all, because I am constantly saying hello and goodbye to family. In addition, my mother is 98 and lives in Buffalo and I haven’t seen her since last July. Normally, I see her three or four times a year and usually spend quite a bit of time with her, but with the grandchildren now, my nana-ing has taken priority I talk to her several times a week on Zoom or Skype, but it’s not the same as being with her. Luckily, she has terrific neighbors, friends, and my sister and nephew live nearby, so she has people coming by and she has company, but it’s not the same as when I stay with her for several weeks or months at a time. I’m hoping to visit her soon since I’m currently in Boston with the twins, and I’ll be spending a couple of long weekends with my granddaughter in New Jersey.

So again, you know it’s balancing who I visit; the sweetness of being with them, and then the bitterness of having to say goodbye. Missing milestones of the babies and then coming back again and of course, missing Kuwait where I’ve lived since 1984 and I you know it’s it’s ah it’s a constant now in my life. This bittersweetness. And so besides that, there’s also bittersweetness in relation to balancing my personal life and my new role as a nana with my professional role. My second book is about to be launched by Edumatch Publishing on February 21st. It’s called Pathways to Belonging in Education and is a companion resource to Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being that was published in 2021. My latest book has a number of lessons and contributions from amazing educators and I have also added some lessons, tips, and stories.

04:34.93

I miss the professional part a bit but not completely because I have committed my time to being present with the babies and supporting my children as they kind of go through the parenting journey. I want to support my daughter as she heads back to work at the end of February and my son-in-law as he begins his PhD. journey. My professional journey is really important, so I have expectations that I’ll be back in the game over the summer. But again, that’s the bittersweetness: What I love is part of my life and my passion is the thing I work on in terms of education and supporting educators. But there’s a time and place for everything, so I think that bittersweet is the best #oneword for this year. It helps me stay focused on exactly where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing right now.

06:09.48

There are things that I maybe can’t have right now or have chosen not to be involved in right now and when I see others who are very active on social media and doing lots of things that I’ve decided not to do right now so I have to kind of keep reflecting and putting things in perspective because I’ve made the choice to really focus on being a nana and supporting my children. I feel so blessed to be able to do that right now because I’m retired and I don’t have full-time obligations, which is wonderful. Not every Nana can do that. Also, I’m grateful that I have the financial means to be able to travel back and forth to be there for my kids and my grandkids. It’s exciting and daunting and as I said I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things more actively in the next few months.

08:41.22
So this will be the last episode for now about my #oneword bittersweet although I will probably revisit it midyear and then I’ll reflect again at the end of 2023 on how Bittersweet affected my journey during this year. In the next few episodes, I will talk about my journey as a nana, especially in regard to belonging I mentioned in an earlier episode. I really want to emphasize how important it is to create a sense of psychological safety and a sense of belonging in even the youngest children. I’m talking about starting from the first days of life and creating an environment where they feel they can trust people and their surroundings.

10:13.48

So the next few episodes will be what my journey’s been like and how I have been able to or made an effort to create that sense of belonging through words and actions and just modeling that for my children, the new parents. I’m excited to share that with my listeners. I plan to record the first episode within the next week and publish it. Until then, stay well, and please keep in touch online by commenting about the episode and subscribing to your favorite podcast player.

Link to episode

Summer 2022: Life changes and multiple blessings

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This post is a “What I did on my summer vacation” kind of post. I’ve been pretty occupied all summer, so you might have missed me online. 

It took me a long time to figure out my priorities and find work/life balance. Now, you might be asking, what do you mean by “work”? Didn’t you retire in 2019? I did leave full-time work but am still passionate about teaching and learning which means I’m still involved in mentoring, coaching, and presenting PD. But I’m about to enter a new role and need to put some of my “work” aside for a while. What’s my new role? After years of waiting, I’m going to be a grandma (I prefer the title “nana”). That’s pretty exciting on its own, but last Spring I found out both my daughter and daughter-in-law are expecting in the Fall. They live thousands of miles away from my home in Kuwait and about 4 ½ hours from each other in the U.S. So there will be lots of traveling and family time ahead.

I spent the summer focusing on my family which meant flying with my husband to New York and spending a wonderful week with my son and daughter-in-law who live in New Jersey. Then we drove to an Airbnb in Connecticut where we spent more time with them and added visits from my brother and sister-in-law and my daughter and son-in-law. A week went by fast but it was awesome to be in a lovely place near the water and near each other. Then it was time to drive north to Boston to spend more time with my daughter and son-in-law. One week there and then back in the car with my hubby for the drive west to Buffalo to see my mom, sister, nephew, and his family. 

We only spent a few days at my mom’s house before we were back in the car again and headed to the airport. I dropped my husband off at his terminal to return to Kuwait, and I headed to mine after returning our rental car. I was excited to attend ISTELive 22 in New Orleans! That was a blast although I felt it was more of a whirlwind this year than in the past. I definitely need to reorganize how I navigate the massive amount of opportunities to socialize, learn, and network while I’m there and have time to sightsee. 

After ISTE, I flew back to Buffalo and found out I had COVID (like many others who attended the conference although we wouldn’t change a thing). I quickly reserved a room at a hotel near my mother’s house to be sure she wouldn’t catch it and stayed there for five days. Luckily, my symptoms were mild (congested and a sore throat but no fever or cough). Then back to my mom’s where I wore a mask for the next five days and sat as far as I could away from her while we ate our meals. It all worked because she didn’t catch the virus. 

I was to so happy to spend July at my mom’s house and celebrate her 98th birthday with her and my sister, nephew, his wife, and two daughters. While I was there, my mom and I organized her old photos dating back to the 1930s. The best part was creating photo albums that spanned from 1949 when my mom and dad met and married to the mid-1960s. In that span of time, my brother was born, my parents bought their first house, I was born, and then my sister. There were lots of photos, so we decided to organize them chronologically. Of course, as is the case in many families, some photographs had dates, but many did not. My mom remembered when and where some were taken, but there was a whole set of photos that we had to figure out like detectives. We looked at the background for clues to our surroundings, compared unknown photos to the ones we were sure about to determine our ages, etc. Suffice it to say, it was so much fun and a lot of work. This trip down memory lane was quite emotional for my mother at times and often tired her out. But we managed to finish the project before I left and that means our family is lucky to have a visual record of our shared history. Now it’s my mom’s job to fill in the blanks with some narrative which she will be working on it until my next visit. 

My return flight was scheduled for August 1st but during the last week of July my son called me and asked if I could delay my return for a few weeks to help them with some household tasks. He told me that his wife, at 6 months pregnant, had to reduce her activity based on her doctor’s advice. After consulting with my husband about extending my stay in the U.S., I changed my return day to the end of August. Then I flew to JFK airport and headed to New Jersey. I’m going to digress here for a bit to let my readers know how much I treasure this month at their house. 

Yes, I planned and was excited to return to Kuwait as scheduled, and Yes, I was excited that I could help out. Even more important is how much I felt “at home” in my son’s house. My son works remotely most days and his workday starts at 9:00 a.m. and ends between 5:00-6:00 p.m. He gets a few breaks during the day in between meetings online and works to prepare for those meetings. His role is in the management suite (corporate) so it is a demanding job. My daughter-in-law also works remotely for a start-up and has some flexibility depending on the projects she’s working on. Normally, they don’t need outside help but she’s in her 7th month and unable to do as much as she used to. So by stepping in to help, I was able to help them with their two amazing doggies, food preparation for several weeks so all they have to do is defrost and cook their meals, and an extra pair of hands to unbox baby items, organize the storage of less-used household items, and run errands now and then. 

But the month I spent with them wasn’t just helping out. It was also conversations about life, sharing ideas, and getting to know my daughter-in-law better. Living so far away from them has made it difficult to do that although I Zoom with my children and their spouses every Saturday. That time is mostly to catch up on everybody’s news and not enough time to chat about life experiences and feelings. And that was the way the whole summer turned out. Time with family in different venues in different combinations; all with a deep appreciation that we have this time together. Each of us takes time from our busy lives to just be present with each other. Such an amazing blessing!

So that’s my summer vacation in a nutshell. What lies ahead in the Fall? I’ll be returning to Boston in a few weeks to help out my daughter after she delivers and do my grandma-ing. More on that coming in October. 

A note to my readers, listeners, and my #PLN: I’m doing my best to keep in touch on social media and I plan to continue blogging and podcasting bi-weekly. In between supporting my kids and grandkids, I am working on a new book (more on that soon) and editing the workbook for Journey to Belonging which includes many ideas for lessons and activities to create the necessary environment for a sense of belonging. 

  • If you’re interested in finding out more about yourself through a journey to self-belonging, check out my EduSpark course: 

https://eduspark.world/courses/self-belonging-how-to-fly-first-love-yourself

 

Setting Boundaries and Starting Your Journey to Belonging

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In many parts of the world, school is just getting started. In others, school is about mid-way through the year. It doesn’t matter at what point in the academic year you are as an educator, you may need to read/hear this right now. 

I’m checking in to see how you’re all doing. It’s been a difficult few years, more than previous years. Are you feeling any of these?

  • I am prone to self-doubt. 
  • When I finish the school day, I only or mostly think about what went wrong
  • It’s hard for me to take time for myself, even on the weekends. 
  • I have trouble setting boundaries between my work and spending time with my friends and family.
  • When I hear about “self-care”, I cringe because I don’t have time to spend on myself.

If you agree with any or all of these statements, possibly with a resounding YES!, then you need to focus more on self-belonging. What is self-belonging?

It’s…

  • Self-confidence
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-acceptance,
  • Self-love
  • Self-concept 

I think you get the idea.

Let’s look at how we can reframe the statements above, so you can begin your journey to self-belonging.

  • I use positive self-talk.
  • When I finish the school day, I reflect on what went well and celebrate my success(es). Then I reflect on what didn’t go well and list ways I can improve the next time.
  • I carve out time for myself in the evening and on weekends. I realize that work will always be there and boundaries are important to my mental health and well-being.
  • My family and friends deserve my full attention and I know that being present is important for them and for me.
  • The meaning of self-care is _______________ (list your passions/ what fills you with joy).

As you read each statement in the first set, how did you feel? 

  • Helpless at the thought of changing anything? 
  • Annoyed (perhaps at yourself or others)? 
  • Wishing you could do something about it? 

As you read each statement in the second set, how did you feel? 

  • Overwhelmed because you’re not there yet?
  • Excited to get started?
  • Wondering how to get started? 
  • Need some help or support?

I used to feel the same way about the first set and never thought I’d get to experience the second set. First, I had to reframe how I viewed my self-value to take the first steps on my journey to self-belonging. I was exhausted from work and beginning to lose my passion for it. It was scary to think that something I loved doing for so many years was now the source of my low mood and inner pain. I hated feeling that way. I had regrets about telling my friends I was “too busy” to attend the events they planned. In fact, they eventually stopped inviting me since I always said “no”. After my kids all left home to pursue their lives, my husband spent most of his time outside of the house. When I asked him why he told me that he thought I was busy with work. That was a wake-up call! 

When I was a teacher, I brought my work home. I planned my lessons on the weekends and prepared for the next day’s lessons after I returned home each day. Now that I think back to those days, I realize that most of my colleagues were leaving their work at school and still managed to prepare for the day during their prep periods. Were they less elaborate than mine? Probably. Did the students suffer as a result? Not that I could see. They had set boundaries; I had not. Perhaps you don’t have enough time during prep periods. Perhaps you’d like to teach using projects. How can you get started without adding to your workload? 

When I was an administrator, I realized I had control over how much time I spent at work. Work was always going to take more time than my scheduled day. I began by setting healthy boundaries for myself. Work stayed at my office and I ignored emails from my work colleagues unless they were time-bound and needed to be answered before work the next day. This was a small percentage of my emails, so that was manageable and didn’t impede on my personal time. I also committed to being present and available when my family and friends invited me or needed me. 

Creating boundaries is an important first step. What are boundaries? 

  1. Physical Boundaries: Your physical boundaries refer to the rules that define your personal space and touch (i.e. hugs vs. handshakes) in the workplace. 
  2. Emotional Boundaries: Your emotional boundaries refer to your emotions, and they distinguish your emotions from someone else’s at work to help you build a stronger sense of identity. Your emotional boundaries might cause you to say no to certain asks at work, for example, and you won’t allow others’ attitudes about it to easily influence your own.
  3. Mental Boundaries: Your mental boundaries refer to your thoughts, values and opinions on matters in the workplace. For example, you might have your opinion on how things should operate at work and value your morning meetings — and you won’t allow someone else’s ideas of how things should go to influence your own.

Source: https://fairygodboss.com/career-topics/setting-boundaries-at-work

Here are additional suggestions for organizing your work with boundaries in mind:

https://educationtothecore.com/2021/12/27-ways-teachers-are-setting-boundaries/

https://mint.intuit.com/blog/remote-work/setting-boundaries-at-work/

Communicating boundaries:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2019/07/18/10-ways-to-set-healthy-boundaries-at-work/?sh=f76699374970

Practical ideas for teachers on setting boundaries:

https://www.weareteachers.com/work-boundaries/

I hope you found this post helpful. For more information, check the resources on my website www.ilenewinokur.com Feel free to reach out to me and be sure to sign up for my upcoming monthly newsletter while you’re there. 

Need support from someone? Perhaps someone to help you jumpstart your journey?

 

Is the Sky Falling or Are We All in Fight, Flight, or Shutdown? 

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It surprises me a lot that we aren’t talking about the trauma we’re all suffering right now. Yes. This pandemic is traumatic and the effects of it will live on for a while. If we don’t start looking at it that way, we’re doomed to continue suffering from mental health issues including anxiety, depression, short tempers, and basically, a lack of ability to cope with daily life. 

If you think about it, many of us were already in crisis mode before the pandemic hit. We worried about who was running our governments and were frustrated with the state of education in light of the inequities in the system. Place a long period of pandemic, uncertainty, divisiveness and you have full-blown trauma. How people deal with it from day to day depends on their level of self-belonging. I’m not a psychologist or specialist in the science of the brain and body, but I’ve spent the past two years studying, reading, and internalizing the science. I’ve also learned about different views of home and belonging; different perspectives about life and how we live it. And I’ve also been reflecting on what has worked for me since I suffered from depression and anxiety for many, many years. 

First, I’m going to share a personal story with you about a traumatic experience I had and how I was able to cope, and then I will share some practical advice about how you can come to terms with what’s going on and move forward. 

In 2014, I was hired as director of a foundation-level program at a private university in Kuwait. I replaced the outgoing director whose style was autocratic and included favoritism towards some staff she believed to be loyal to her and a lot of control and surveillance of everyone else. The curriculum she implemented did not suit the needs of our students and for that reason, I was tasked by the board of trustees to overhaul the climate in the department and revise the curriculum. 

I think you can already see the obstacles I was facing when I entered my office on the first day. Although I had worked with many of the staff members as a fellow instructor for five semesters, there was distrust by those who had aligned with the previous director about the changes they assumed I was going to make. I am a democratic type of leader and ask for input from all of my staff, instructors, and teaching assistants because they’re the ones “in the trenches” so to speak. They know what is needed to ensure the students acquire the necessary skills and knowledge to begin the undergraduate program. I also had taught the curriculum and commented many times that it was not aligned with what the students needed to fulfill the requirements of English and math competencies before starting their undergraduate courses. 

A number of committees were formed with representation that involved every instructor and TA in the department. We reviewed the outcomes,  assessment philosophy, and textbooks/resources. Then each committee presented their findings. Based on best practices and the most recent research in remedial math and intensive English, a plan was created to write and implement most of the recommendations along with a timeline that took into account a switch over from the previous curriculum and assessments that aligned. We even searched for a better admissions test for English so we had data that would be used to evaluate the changes and help us determine if the changes we made improved outcomes over time. Along the way, staff members came to me with concerns and I dealt with each one.

There was a bit of grumbling from some staff about having to make the changes which meant new lesson plans, learning additional methods to ensure students met the benchmarks we created, but we had the support of the upper management, so I was confident we were on the right track. In March 2016, I was traveling in the U.S. to visit family and attend several conferences. While I was sitting at a gate to board my flight, I checked my work email and found a strange message from an unknown email address. The subject line was Unresolved Complaints About Doctor Ilene and had been sent to the university President, the Vice President for Academic Affairs (my immediate supervisor), and my entire staff. I came to know later that the email address used was encrypted so it couldn’t be traced. The body of the email referred to numerous accusations of my lack of leadership, staff being forced to “work for me” and that I hadn’t listened to complaints about certain problems “many” instructors were having. There was a bit of sarcasm and I was embarrassed for whoever wrote it because it was so unprofessional and had been sent to the management. 

Once I’d read through it a couple of times (in disbelief), I contacted the VP. He told me that he would try to find out who sent it and would send an email that would indicate his continued support of my efforts as director. He also said we would meet once I returned to work the following week. Long story short: the perpetrator(s) was never found because IT was unable to break the encryption. After a couple of months, I decided to take the situation into my own hands. I called a staff meeting and took attendance to ensure everyone was there. Then I presented my case, without referring to any specifics in the email since I didn’t want to show it had any importance to me. I spoke for a few minutes looking at each and every staff member as I said, “The train is on the tracks and is already moving forward. If you’re not happy about the journey and the destination, nobody is keeping you here. It’s almost the end of the year and you are free to leave if the direction we’re taking doesn’t suit you.” And then I finished up by saying, “I am now in my 60s and know myself very well. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I still need to work on.”

If I was sitting next to you right now, I bet I know what you’re thinking. ‘How did Ilene know how to handle that traumatic experience?’ If it had happened ten years before, I don’t think I would have been able to continue in my role as director knowing there were people who sought to undermine me and push me out of my job. However, I was in a different place in 2016 and my sense of self-belonging was and still is strong. I knew what I was tasked to do, and I was sure I had listened to every voice in the department before making joint decisions about changes. I also knew there were some who didn’t agree and would probably never agree, but they were the minority and had a choice about staying or leaving. When I stood up in front of the group, I knew what I had to do. I had to re-establish my “authority” for those who were on board with the changes but feared the others might diminish my ability to implement them. 

Why am I telling this story? I need to emphasize how traumatic experiences like the one I experienced, can impact how we view our jobs and ourselves. The email I received was a culmination of numerous covert attacks on my leadership the first 18 months as director. I was able to overcome constant attacks on my position and the email that was deliberately encrypted and sent to upper management because I developed my sense of self-belonging. I knew my strengths and what I still needed to work on. I also had the support of my supervisor to make the necessary changes in spite of the pushback by a small group of staff members. 

My message to educators and education leaders is: We need to have a strong sense of self-belonging and feel supported professionally. If not, we will succumb to the negativity, attacks on our self-esteem and self-confidence that make us feel we need to fight, flee, or shut down. That means the dark curtain will fall over us and color everything around us. That’s what is happening right now. I believe it’s a major reason so many educators are leaving the profession. It doesn’t have to be that way!

If you’re a school leader, support your staff in any way you can. If you’re a classroom teacher or support staff, make your voice heard. Share how you’re feeling. 

Here are some of my suggestions for how to handle the current crisis:

Daily check-ins with staff to find out how they are feeling 

Open your door to allow them to pass by and share their concerns, fears, and problems. 

Listen for understanding and jointly come up with a plan to make things better. 

Advocate for your staff and students with whoever is responsible for making those decisions. 

Advocate for your own mental health and well-being.

Make your, your staff’s, and your students’ well-being a priority. The content will be taught and learned once they feel included, heard, and valued.

Reach out to the community including parents and let them know they’re important also. 

Communicate regularly and encourage your staff to communicate with you and your parents often.

For more suggestions read this article from Edutopia.

 You can read more about self-belonging and professional belonging in my book, Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being available in paperback and ebook.

Photo of Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being book cover

https://journeys2belonging.com/3C5Ojig

https://journeys2belonging.com/3kmuwUN

https://journeys2belonging.com/31eQF0s

 

My #oneword2022 – Journey

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In the past few days, I’ve started to see people post their #oneword for 2022. I saw wonderful words popping up in my Twitter feed after my dear friend and soul sister, Barbara Bray posted hers along with a blog post to explain it. PURPOSE is her #oneword2022 and rightly so for her since she gives us all purpose by guiding us through these difficult times with her experience and wisdom. I also saw words like TRUTH, EVOLVE, REFLECTIVE, RESPONDABILITY, and more. 

In 2019, my #oneword was Transitions. I retired mid-way through the year, my youngest got married and bought a house in the US. My younger son started his MBA in the US. My nest was totally empty. 

In 2020, my #oneword was Belonging. I had started blogging about my experiences and life in Kuwait and discovered my sense of belonging. I started learning more about this human need and realized so much about my own identity and life.

In 2021, my #oneword was Advocate (noun and/or verb). With the #BlackLivesMatter movement raging and my experiences mentoring and supporting refugee teachers and students, I was aware of all my white privilege had afforded me and that my role needed to be one of advocacy and speaking out. Calling others in and using my listening for understanding to bring communities together. 

My #oneword2022 is Journey

In 2022, my #oneword is JOURNEY. Along with my recently published book, Journey to Belonging: Pathways to Well-Being, and my podcast, Journeys to Belonging, I have discovered there are a variety of ways we can look at feeling a sense of belonging. I’ve also realized that we are all on a journey to find ourselves. Some are able to figure it out faster because, I believe, they either have a naturally reflective nature or they have a friend, relative, or partner that is supporting their journey. I’m blessed because my husband is my partner on this journey. He’s my friend and my cheerleader. Let me tell you that without his support, I’d still be unhappy and depressed. I would never have found my sense of belonging. I will also tell you that we’ve had our ups and downs over the past 37 years we’ve been married. There were times when I almost walked away from our relationship. We often misunderstood each other’s intentions and we were quick to perceive certain behaviors as confrontational. Then, after my children left Kuwait to find their opportunities and live their adult lives with their partners, my husband and I had to work out what our relationship was without the kids as our focus. It was a big transition and we weren’t communicating our needs or our feelings very well, so I sought help from a therapist and am grateful to her for the advice and counsel she gave me and my husband (who wasn’t so keen to see a therapist at first but was willing to join me to “help me”; now that’s true love). 

In truth, all of my #onewords are still applicable for 2022, but I’ve chosen Journey because I feel that I’m now on this long and winding trail trying to find myself and my identity. I’m still searching for ways to spend my “golden” years post-retirement while continuing to learn, stretch myself, and challenge my perceptions about myself and others. 

Journey also relates to traveling. I want to travel to places where I can visit friends and family I haven’t seen in many years. I hope the current pandemic will eventually subside and I’ll be able to visit Kakuma, Kenya to meet the amazing refugee leaders I’ve been supporting and mentoring for several years. I look forward to traveling with my husband who retired in 2006 and explore new places with him. I want to meet all the amazing educators I’ve met on social media but haven’t met in real life. 

And finally, I want to share my journey with all of you, and I want to continue hearing your amazing stories of your journey to belonging. If you’d like to share your story on an upcoming podcast episode, fill in the form (https://forms.gle/kGu2jbUjXzQmagtx6) and I’ll contact you to schedule. I’ve learned so much from each of my guests.

I hope you’ll take this journey with me. It’s been tough for everyone and even tougher for some, but don’t lose faith. There are better days ahead and I’m here to guide you, act as your cheerleader, and share my knowledge and experience. Just reach out and I’ll be there for you. 

Countering the Big “What If”

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I’ve begun to realize that I need to share my own experiences with self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, and negative self-talk as a model for others who might be experiencing the same thing and some ways to overcome it. I will start with two personal examples from my 65 years to help you reflect on their own life experiences which may be holding you back from existing in the present and having a more fulfilling life.

The first story happened when I was in high school. I was studying Spanish as my foreign language requirement and was quite fluent in reading and writing but didn’t have much opportunity to improve my speaking in class. There was a student exchange program that was available to students who excelled in their language classes. Students needed to apply for the opportunity to live with a host family and attend school for a year in a Spanish-speaking country. It sounded like a wonderful opportunity that is really a “once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. I should have been excited about it, but I was petrified at the thought of leaving my secure home environment and venturing out into the world. 

My negative self-talk took over:

What if I don’t get along with the family?

What if I’m not as good at Spanish as everyone thinks I am?

What if I don’t like the food or it doesn’t agree with me (I have a very sensitive stomach and I need to be careful what I eat).

What if I don’t do well in their school? 

You get the idea and can see how I was getting in my own way. In fact, it is one of the biggest regrets I have in my life because I would have loved to learn more languages and traveled the world when I was younger. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel a sense of self-belonging and couldn’t imagine that I’d be strong enough to overcome any challenges I might have faced. Classmates who had the courage to participate returned after a year and were fluent in the target language and shared stories and photos of their adventures far from home. Truly a missed opportunity!

A second example of getting in my own way due to a lack of self-belonging happened whenever I was in a social situation while I was growing up. Meeting new people was painful for me because I felt awkward telling people about myself. Again my negative self-talk would take over:

Why would they be interested in anything I have to say?

What if they don’t like me?

What if I say something that offends them?

What if they’re just talking to me because they want me to do something for them or help them with something?

As a result, I had very few friends and those I did have, I worried that I might lose them at any moment if I messed up by saying or doing something they didn’t like. 

By the time I was 35 years old, I was tired of being miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I was fed up with feeling lonely because I was afraid to get out of my comfort zone to make conversation with others. I was tired of hearing myself complain and then feeling guilty about burdening others with my troubles. My “aha” moment was the realization that I was the only person who could make a change; I had the ability to control how I reacted in different situations and whether my self-talk was negative or positive. Change doesn’t happen overnight but with a consistent and conscious effort on my part, I slowly began the process of pushing away self-doubt. I began to notice subtle changes in the way I felt when I was in social situations. I looked forward to meeting new people, getting to know them, and sharing my stories. I enjoyed traveling instead of worrying about planning every detail and then being disappointed because it didn’t go exactly as planned. 

You might be wondering how I got started and what my process was like. Here are 5 things you can do right away to take the first steps towards changing how you think about your situation and how you respond. 

  1. Make a mental or written list of accomplishments in your life. Think about how it/they make(s) you feel when you remember them. Savor those feelings and conjure them up when you feel yourself slipping back into self-doubt.
  2. What are your strengths/superpowers? What do you do well that other people ask your help for? Celebrate your superpowers and repeat the list to yourself when you begin feeling your confidence is slipping.
  3. What big emotions overwhelm you? Reflect on why they do. Make a pact to give yourself grace and try not to judge yourself harshly when you mess up.
  4. Think about a time that you did something spontaneously that turned out well in the end; something you didn’t plan or a change of plans that turned out better than what you had planned. Remind yourself that you don’t always have to be in control of every detail. 
  5. Share your apprehension(s) about making these changes with someone you can confide in and trust, someone who won’t judge you, who will listen for understanding, and act as a mirror. If you don’t have someone in your life like that, reach out to me. 

Remember that being aware of your lack of a sense of self-belonging is the first step to changing how you react and think. It’s the first step to better personal and professional relationships and well-being. My self-doubt pops into my head every now and then. It never goes away completely, but it does get better. For years I reminded myself about my “what if” moments that worked out and how I wasted my time worrying about them. Over time, your brain will begin to react on its own*. Give yourself grace while you’re working through it. Self-love is the greatest form of love there is. 

*For a more in-depth explanation of the relationship between the reactions of your autonomic nervous system and why it’s important to be mindful of our reactions, listen to my podcast episode beginning on December 1st. 

 

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